Lynne Spears - Mother of the Year

Just when you thought it couldn't get any better, it does. Now it's been announced that 16 year old Jamie Lynn Spears, younger sister of perpetual train wreck Britney, is preggers. Suddenly Britney isn't the biggest sleazebag in the Spears family. At least she waited until she was in her 20s and married to start popping out little trailer puppies.

Kudos to her mom, Lynne, for the fine job she's done bringing up her girls. Could they be any more of a white trash cliche? She gets my nomination for Mother of the Year -- in the Bizzaro World.

OJ is innocent

I know everyone is anxious to see OJ rot in jail and all, but I have conclusive proof that he did not go into that room with the intention to kill or to commit any violence.

Had he been looking to cause harm he would've worn gloves and used a knife. That's his MO. See? Hard to argue with fact.

Pay Per View idea

Ok, I have it. The ultimate pay per view event.

Britney Spears v. Lindsay Lohan in a drinking contest, to be followed immediately by Jello wrestling. Winner gets custody of the "Ultimate Human Train Wreck" trophy for a year, or until she actually completes a rehab stint that works. Whichever comes first.

Brit, you're making it too easy

Had a chance to view Britney Spears' performance at the VMAs over the weekend. The word that has been generally used is "lackluster." That is the understatement of the year.

Watching her dance, she looks like a suburban housewife spending her first night at the bellydancing class offered by the local YMCA. She starts out looking confused, then sort of tentatively walks through the movements. Can this possibly be the same girl/woman who launched a thousand adolescent (and middle-aged man) fantasies?

Where is the bumping and grinding that says "Hey, if you ever quit loving me I can make a living working the pole at Scores in New York?" There's no strut as she walks from stage mark to stage mark. Heck, I've seen sexier walks at the local mall. Perhaps she's guilty of DUI -- dancing under the influence. Whatever it is, it's about as visually interesting as tapioca pudding.

Then there's the "singing" portion. As was widely reported, at some points she doesn't even pretend she's singing. The soundtrack goes on but her lips aren't moving as she looks furtively around, dazed and confused at the all the activity going on around her. At least Ashlee Simpson was aware that she wasn't lip synching to the soundtrack on SNL and seemed embarrassed. Brit looks like she doesn't care. Talk about phoning it in! The fembots in the Austin Powers movies looked less mechanical and brain dead than Brit.

My prediction? Next stop is Penthouse. Or maybe Hustler if those dark marks on her legs turn out to be bruises instead of shadows.

Suddenly Lindsay Lohan doesn't look so bad.

I Know What Brit's Doing

It's taken me a while to figure this out, but I'm finally onto what our pal Britney Spears is up to. She is not having a meltdown. She is not under pressure to produce. She has not finally gone 'round the bend.

Here's the truth, plain and simple: She just can't stand for any of her peers to get attention. When they do, she behaves like a little kid running around in her underwear at a family gathering to see the new baby, yelling "Look at me too, look at me too!"

Look at the facts. LiLo gets busted for DUI shortly after leaving rehab. Suddenly Brit is throwing a fit at an OK Magazine photo shoot, destroying designer dresses with poop from her dog. (For those who don't get their hair cut in cheap shops, OK Magazine is the poor man's People. It's like the generic house brand snack cake is to Ho Hos, including the nutrition value.)

Paris gets caught with no panties, and suddenly Brit is showing the goods for the world to see. I can't remember what happened right before she shaved her head, but I know there was something.

It's sort of like the Beatles and the Rolling Stones in '60s. The Beatles come out with Sgt. Pepper, and a few months later the Stones follow on with Satanic Majesties. It's just a copycat game, trying to make sure that her rivals don't get all the attention.

Well, the jig is up. You've been exposed (no pun intended). You can go back to being just a normal 25-year-old mother of two with a room temperature IQ and a disdain for healthy foods.

An open letter to Kelly Clarkson

Dear Kelly,

First of all, let me start by saying that even though I am older than dirt I actually am somewhat of a fan. I liked the song "Since You've Been Gone" a lot, as well as some others whose names I don't know. Can't say that I've actually heard the new album due to a lack of airplay, but I'm sure it's interesting.

I've never watched AI so I don't know you from there, but I did suffer through "From Justin to Kelly" when my teenage daughter wanted to watch it, and it wasn't completely horrible. I found you very engaging and cute despite the material.

Finally, I've seen some interviews with you and you seem like a very intelligent, well-grounded young woman. The kind a father would be proud to have for a daughter, or a daughter-in-law for that matter (although I know you're not interested in getting married). To the best of my knowledge you've never been photographed without wearing panties either, which is good.

I give you this long preamble so you know that I like you, and I care as much about you as a regular person can care about a celebrity. So it is with nothing but love and affection that I must ask you:

WTF is up with you and the clothes you wear? I know the women of your generation like to wear tight jeans and midriff-baring shirts and all, but sweetheart it is just not your look. I mean seriously -- do you not own a mirror? If you do, I'd like to know where you got a mirror that you can look into looking like this and say, "Yeah, I look good!" I could use one of those.

Let's face the facts. You are rather bottom-heavy -- pear-shaped the less tactful would say -- with a short waist and a few extra pounds around the middle. In some outfits you look like your fashion consultant is the Sheboygan Sausage factory. It's ok not to have a perfect Supermodel body. Even the Supermodels get a little help from the retouchers. But you have to know you don't have it and then dress accordingly. You are not long, lanky Heidi Klum. You are short and slightly chunky Kelly Clarkson. Deal with the reality.

If you want to see how a vocal superstar with a bit of a weight issue handles herself, pick up any album from the 1970s Linda Rondstadt collection. Every guy I knew back then had a crush on her despite a tendency to chunk up between photo shoots. She wore peasant blouses and long, flowing dresses that rendered her body, shall we say, indistinct. She let her cute face, and her great voice carry the load.

So Kelly, darling, sweetheart. I beg you. Please. Forget the tight jeans and the bare midriff -- leave them to Christina or Avril, who can wear them well. Take a good, hard look in the mirror, or at the photo above, and find some clothes that suit you better. We'll all be a lot happier.

Love and kisses,

Ken

And Robert Downey Jr. Award Goes To...

...Lindsay Lohan. This award is really a lifetime achievement award for dedication and commitment to allowing multiple stints in rehab to have no affect on your behavior whatsoever. It is named, of course, for well-known substance abuser Robert Downey Jr., who has made a career out of destroying his career. Every time it gets resurrected he manages to go off the wagon and do something really stupid that lands him in jail.



According to the news reports, La Lohan was arrested yesterday not only for DUI and obnoxious behavior toward the mother of her former assistant but also for having some cocaine in her pocket. That girl must be dumb as a box of rocks.



Lindsay, you just got out of rehab -- rehab for an incident caused when you were too young to even be drinking, let alone imbibing illegal drugs. I know it's an addiction and all, but surely the people at the Malibu Alcohol and Drug Rehab Treatment Facility must've made some impression on you for the six weeks+ you were their guest. Or did you just stop off for a celebratory Margarita on your way home from there?



I know when I get a speeding ticket I at least try to watch my speed for the next few weeks. But La Lohan? No way! She gets out of rehab with a DUI pending and spends her day driving drunk and chasing after people she's mad at.



Well, Lindsay, I've got news for you. Even the Beverly Hills police will only tolerate so much. Perhaps this time you'll find yourself living a real-life sequel to Mean Girls, only this time they come after you with broomsticks instead of "burn books." You might want to ask Paris for a few prison fashion tips.


In any case, congratulations Lindsay on a job well done. RDJr himself is no doubt proud.

And she's back

Glad to see that over the weekend Paris not only went back into the big house (and I don't mean her parents' palatial estate), but the judge made the whole thing a do over so she learns a lesson about trying to flout the law.

There's a judge who would get my vote if I lived in California. Of course, knowing Paris she'll put out a recording of the old Bobby Fuller Four song "I fought the law" and make millions off of it. But hey -- there's only so much the justice system can do.

Paris gets sprung early

Just saw the news that Paris Hilton has been released from her forced incarceration after a hellish four days in the Century Regional Detention Center. Thank God! Just the thought of poor Paris sitting there alone for nearly 96 hours, doing her nails, reading fan mail, and living without the comforts of a double latte and her precious little punting dog made me so sad. It is good to see justice served.

The reason that was given was some unspecified medical dilemma. No word on weather it was physical or psychological, but I'm betting it had something to do with hair extensions.

The good news is Paris says she has "...learned a great deal from this ordeal and hope(s) that others have learned from (her) mistakes." Uh huh. What has she learned?

My guess is that she has learned the valuable lesson once again that the rich and famous are above the law. I'll bet if she was Paris the poor, drunken crack whore she'd be serving the full sentence and maybe then some for whining.

Gotta love this country.

For Paris, orange is the new black

So, Paris Hilton is now in the slammer serving her time for being an idiot. She's in solitary confinement for 23 hours a day according to the newspapers. Could there be a worse punishment for her than 23 hours a day without a camera on her? Except, of course, for the secret hidden cameras the guards put in there so they can watch her get naked and do all sorts of nasty things.

Can Paris stand it? Do I care? Not really. Jail is probably a walk in the park for her. Sure it's grimy and all, but no more so than that farmhouse from the first season of The Simple Life.

What she really needs is a good spanking. Any volunteers to give it to her? My other suggestion is to put her pal Nicole Ritchie in charge of her diet while she's there. That ought to teach her!

Interesting survey from Money

Saw in a Time Magazine blog that Money Magazine did a survey on ethics and money that will be appearing in the June issue. One of the things they found in polling workers is:

• When asked what they’d be willing to do to advance in their career, 6% of survey respondents said they’d be willing to sleep with their boss or someone else who can help them get ahead. Of this 6%, respondents tended to be young, single and 10 times more likely to be men than women.

Somehow I have to guess that the men in that 6% would also sleep with their boss or someone else even if they didn't think it would help them get ahead. We guys are kinda funny that way.

Gasoline conspiracy theory

Ok, stay with me on this one. I think I've figured out what's going on with the price of gas here in the good ol' USA. It has all the intrigue of a Robert Ludlum novel.

It all goes back to Al Gore and his movie "A Convenient Truth." When that movie first came out, gas prices were as low as they'd been in a long time. Then Gore starts stumping against global warming and how we're killing the planet with hydrocarbon emissions. He begins calling for stricter controls, reductions in consumption, and other things that threaten the ready supply of cash enjoyed by the oil companies.

If these changes are instituted they will eat into oil company profits. They will also cause the price of gasoline to go up. So the smart guys at the oil companies say hey, let's give the people a little taste of what all this will cost. See how they like putting $4/gallon gas in their oversized SUVs for a while. A few months of pain and perhaps they'll see the light. They'll tell Al Gore that they wish there was something that could be done, but it's just too darned expensive. At that point we'll be happy to let them do what they want as long as the price stabilizes around $2.50.

Paranoid? Maybe. But crazier things have happened.

New Mark Prior jersey available

Just heard the news today that the Chicago Cubs are going to sell a new Mark Prior jersey. They will be charging more for it this year than last, despite the fact that only one of the arms works.

Now it makes sense

When I was a senior in high school, we had elections for class president. My class, being somewhat rebellious, decided to elect one of the kids from the special ed class as president. His name was Roy Roberts, I think. This was not done as a kind and thoughtful gesture, throwing a kid with little else going for him a bone. We did it because we thought it would be funny, and probably because we thought it would make a statement about our attitude toward the student government, and government in general. After all, it was 1973 when he was elected. Mostly, though, we did it to be funny in that mean-spirited sort of way only teenagers and Asian students at Virginia Tech can manage.

What got me thinking about that was the continuing coverage of that Sanjaya guy on American Idol. I have never watched that show, nor do I care to, but even I know who he is. He's the guy with the homohawk haircut who apparently doesn't sing very well but keeps getting voted forward. I've come to realize that Sanjaya is America's Roy Roberts. He's that special ed kid everyone keeps voting for because it's funny to do.

Of course, there is another theory that the rival networks are paying people to vote for him on the assumption that if he wins it will bring the #1 show in American TV crashing down. (How pathetic is that, by the way? An updated version of your middle school's variety show is #1?) I suppose it's a possibility but that's just cynical.

I prefer to think of it in more positive terms. America is simply voting for the retarded kid so we can all point and laugh. And that's what makes this country great.

Heather Locklear is officially divorced

Saw that one online and in the newspaper this morning. Wow. Heather, just so you know I am married, but I think I could work it out if you're interested. My wife isn't all that fond of me these days anyway, so I'll bet we could buy her off cheap.

This sort of thing does make you wonder, though. I know she's aged a bit, and the last photo I saw of her suggested Botox to the nth degree, but she's still a babe and from all reports an intelligent, sweet, nice lady. Yet she's now going down for the second time. (I know there's a really rude joke in there about maybe that being the cause of the divorce, but I won't tell it here.)

I've seen pictures of her ex, Ritchie Sambora, and he's no Heather Locklear, I can tell you that. Yet at some point he probably got tired of boning Heather Locklear and decided to go after someone else. What does that say about him, and about men in general? Other than we're idiots.

Anyway, Heather, if I was married to you I would be kind and faithful to you always. I know you like musicians, and I do play the guitar. Not at Ritchie's level, maybe, but enough to keep you entertained on a cold winter's night. Give it some thought. We can make this thing work.

Weighing in on Don Imus

He's a local New York radio talk show host who said something stupid. Who cares? Other than the people in New York.

If he had said the same thing in Idaho he's still be on the air. Really, people, get a freakin' life!

What's been lost in the Anna Nicole baby controversy

Well, thank goodness we finally know who the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby is! I know it was a topic that's been preying on my mind since her poor, unfortunate mother went to that big outlet mall in the sky. Now we can take on some of the lesser issues of the day, such as how to get our American troops the hell out of Iraq before any more get killed, or what to do about global warming.

Before we leave it, though, I do have to mention something that never seems to have been brought up by the media. Isn't it kind of bad that there were all these people who could have a legitimate claim to being the father of her baby? I mean seriously, think about it. She must've had sex with all of these guys nearly a year ago, and in close proximity (although hopefully not at exactly the same time). Sorry, but where I come from that makes you a common slut, not a celebrity.

Instead of celebrating her and moaning over her demise, perhaps we should be making her a cautionary tale for young people, and particularly young women, everywhere. Hey, kids, you don't want to be like Anna Nicole. She was apparently taking in more sausage than the loading dock at a fast food restaurant and now look where she is.

I'm just sayin'...

What gobs of money can buy you

Somehow I picture this being at Val Kilmer's house as he tells himself he was the best Batman of all.

How horrible must Liz Hurley be?

This is one of those questions I've always wondered about. Elizabeth Hurley is one hot-looking woman. Beautiful face, amazing figure -- and she has that great British accent to go with it. Seems like the kind of package any guy would be happy with.

Yet men seem willing to pull their own heads off rather than stay with her. Hugh Grant cheated on her with a cheap-o Hollywood hooker. She's been married a couple of times, always briefly. You wonder what it is about her that sends the men she loves running for the hills.

Is she incredibly high maintenance? I mean, is she constantly looking for positive reinforcement? Surely she can't wonder if her ass is too big in that dress or all the typical wifely peccadillos. Maybe when she's at home she has bad gas problems, or chews on her toenails, or worships the Devil. What else could it be?

In any case, I hope her marriage to the new guy lasts a bit longer. She deserves to be happy, just like anyone. But if it doesn't, maybe she'll go out on a binge and show her goodies like Britney. You just never know.

Lindsay Lohan wax figure

Talk about art imitating life. I saw on AOL that roughly a year ago Madamme Tussaud's debuted a wax figure of Lindsay Lohan. Not sure how I missed that originally, but there you go.

The point is you wonder how anyone can tell the difference when the two are standing side-by-side. Particularly if the "live" one is acting.

Of course, it could be worse. Pamela Anderson actually is a completely wax figure. When she dies they can just stick her right into the museum with no further preparation.

What dumbass designed the $1 coin?

Went to the post office today to get some stamps. Since there was a long line being passed by a turtle I decided to use the self-help machine. With only a pair of $20 bills in my wallet I put one of them in and got my stamps. That's when it happened.

Instead of some reasonable change, I received four nickels and 12 $1 coins. What the hell am I going to do with them? They look like tokens to ride the rides at Chucky Cheese, especially with the fake gold color.

Worse, though, is this latest example of government thinking. What coin is it closest in size to? That's right, a quarter. Whose picture is on the quarter? George Washington. So whose picture do they decide to put on the $1 coin? You guessed it! Ol' smiling George.

Yes, they're different views, but if you're not looking too closely and you just see who it is you could easily toss it in the toll booth or throw it down as a tip in a greasy spoon diner. What dumbass designed that? And what dumbass approved it?

There have been 43 Presidents of the United States (POTUS) including George W. Bush. They date back all the way to 1789. Surely we could've found one other POTUS who was worthy of being on a coin rather than having to go into repeats already. Hell, JFK turned out to be a philandering whore-monger and he has his own coin. Why not Bill Clinton? If that's too recent, how about Teddy Roosevelt? He's pretty recognizable. Even Millard Fillmore would be an improvement over using George yet again. He has the dollar bill and the quarter. The man has done enough -- let him rest!

This is just one more example of your tax dollars -- literally -- at work. Can't somebody in Washington get their thumbs out of their asses long enough to go to the White House Web site and pick another POTUS to honor? John Adams provided most of the ideas for the Declaration of Independence and got the war financed. Can't he get a coin?

I'd even take Martin Sheen since probably half the country thinks he actually was the President because of all his years on The West Wing.

And what the hell am I going to do with all those $1 coins anyway? Hope my bank will trade them in for real money.

Anna Nicole Death Ruled a Drug Overdose

Here's another newsflash: the sun rose in the East this morning.

Why the Jedi weren't allowed to marry

Scene: Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn returns to his home after meeting with the Jedi Council. His wife, Tapi, who has been watching soap operas on the holovision all afternoon, barely looks up as he enters. Then, with trepidation, he turns to speak.

Qui-Gon: The Jedi Council has ordered me to Naboo to mediate a dispute with the Trade Federation.

Tapi: WHAT???!! You're leaving again? You just got back from that "research conference" on Yavin 4!

Qui-Gon (Meekly): Yes, I know, but the Trade Federation is threatening to blockade Naboo. The Jedi are being asked to intervene by the Senate.

Tapi: Yeah, yeah, there's always some need somewhere. What about my needs? I'm stuck here at home all the time while you're out galavanting around the galaxy. You and that boy you're always running around with.

Qui-Gon: You mean my Padawan, Obi-Wan?

Tapi: Whatever. I wonder about you two. I wonder about any grown man that spends all his time hanging out with a teenage boy. It's not natural.

Qui-Gon: But this could cause a serious...

Tapi: You think that's serious? I'm the one who's serious. If you want to be serious how about asking your precious Jedi council for a raise? We live like paupers while all our friends are getting new land speeders and bigger houses. You know Flovia next door? Her husband just bought her a new diamond necklace with a matching bracelet. She was over here showing it off yesterday, flaunting it in my face every chance she got. And what do I have to show her? Some lousy plaque from an Outer Rim planet that my husband, the big hotshot Jedi Master got? Big whoop!

Qui-Gon (getting angry): Stop! Just stop already. You knew I was a Jedi when you married me.

Tapi: Yeah, but I thought after a while you'd wise up and get a real job, a job where they pay you in real money. That boss of yours Yoda...

Qui-Gon: He's not my boss. We're equals on the Council...

Tapi: Uh huh, sure, only he gets to go home at night while you're running off to backwater planets on these idiot missions that no one appreciates anyway.

Qui-Gon (Angrily): Did you ever stop and think that I volunteer for these missions to get away from YOU?

Tapi: Oh right, it's my fault you're a worthless piece of bantha fodder. I really wish I would've married Muri when I had the chance. Did you know he's already opening his 15th Muri's Clothing for Big Men and Wookies location? He's rolling in credits! I saw him on Holovision last night getting ready to go on vacation at the spa on Bespin. Oh, the life I could've had.

Suddenly, the tension is broken by the distinctive Whoosh! of a light sabre being ignited.

Tapi: What do you think you're going to do with that? Put that thing away before you hurt yourself.

Qui-Gon: Arrrgggghhhh!

Suddenly, with lightning precision, Qui-Gon attacks Tapi with his light saber, swinging wildly and hacking her to bits. Even after it is apparent she is dead he continues to hack into what's left, letting out 15 years of pent-up frustration and anger at her ridicule.

Finally he pauses, breathing heavily, a faint smile of satisfaction on his face. Distantly, in his head, another voice is heard.

Senator Palpatine (Chuckling): Good. Gooooood. All is going as I have foreseen. Allowing the Jedi to marry was my most brilliant move ever. With the help of the Jedi wives the Sith will once again rule the galaxy.

Scene.

Britney gets her life back

According to a story I read on AOL's trashy celebrity news, Britney Spears has made "an amazing turnaround" in rehab and says she's getting her life back. Congratulations to Brit! We here at What'd They Do Now are very happy to hear about her success.

It won't be long before she's back out in the world, smoking cigarettes, shaving her hair, getting weird tattoos, getting drunk, flashing her privates, and driving around Hollywood with her kids in her lap. I mean, that was her life, right?

In related news she and K-Fed are hammering out an agreement on custody. At what point did you ever think you'd believe that K-Fed should be the one who gets them, for their own sake? I know that's caught me by surprise. Oh well. As long as her Mom doesn't get them I guess the world will be safe.

From the Dept. of Irony

We all know that several men have stepped forward claiming to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby. Naturally we can assume that most of them just want to brag about having nailed ANS, as if that were a challenge. She seemed to choose sexual partners the way parking meters choose quarters.

Those men wishing to take the next step have been ordered to provide a DNA sample. Now comes the irony. We hear each of them is being given a magazine containing naked ANS pictures to help them generate their, um, deposit.

You have to love it when life comes full circle.

All quiet on the Tom Cruise front

Haven't heard much from ol' Tommy Boy lately. I think I know why.

I believe he has been instructed by the space aliens to lay low for a while, lest he jeapordize their efforts to sacrifice the prisoner and Thetan Virgin Queen (aka Katie Holmes) to the volcano gods of Omicron Six.

Either that or the aliens thought MI3 sucked.

Grey's Anatomy spin-off woes

Ok, the last couple of posts were on the Chicago Bears, so here's one for the ladies. Trouble abounds with the Grey's Anatomy spin-off. Some cast members are angry that one of their own gets her own show while they're stuck swimming in Ellen Pompeo's scrawny little wake. Fans are agonizing over who will be joining the show and whether Tim Daly is hot enough to uphold the standards. Here's my comment: Who cares?

It's really not that great of a show. The characters are whiny, the plots contrived (remember the guy with the bomb inside of him?) and the medical stuff is useless. At least from all the years I watched ER I learned that when someone comes into an emergency room you need to order a CVC and a Chem Seven, no matter what the problem is. There must be a good incentive program for using those tests, like maybe a free trip to Barbados for everyone who surpasses the 10,000 test mark in a year.

But Grey's Anatomy? Nothing. I'll never be able to fake my way through a hospital with the crap the spew out there.

More significantly it's on on Thursday night opposite Scrubs, which I find to be a much more interesting and realistic medical program. So if the main program is a pain, what hope does its spin-off have?

Let's face it ladies. Search your heart of hearts. You know Grey's Anatomy sucks. It's like listening to your friends whine about their spouses/love lives, only they're not buying you Cosmos while they do it. Quit watching it, and let it (and its ugly offspring) go flatline while you still have some sense of self-respect.

Tank Johnson Stars in "Longest Yard" Remake

Forget Burt Reynolds. Forget Adam Sandler. The Chicago Bears' Tank Johnson is going them both one better by starring a real-life remake of the movie "The Longest Yard."

You know the plot to that movie. Former NFL star does something stupid, gets sent to prison, is asked to put together a football team to play the guards, etc. Now, no one has asked the Tankster to put together a football team, but pretty much the rest of it is there.

In case you've been hiding under a rock, Tank was accused of violating an 18-month probation he'd received on a 2005 weapons charge. He pleaded guilty to having a loaded weapon in his car and was given a wrist slap. When the Gurnee, IL police descended on his house in December they found a small aresenal on-premises, none of which was registered. Probably because he wasn't supposed to have guns in his house, car, or anywhere else. It looked like Tank had become confused about his nickname and expected he might actually have to roll through the street of Iraq searching for terrorists.

The irony is if he only could've held off for another five months his probation would've been up and he could've had all the nasty firearms he wanted. But when you violate probation after pleading guilty the U.S. court system tends to think you're not taking them seriously, and they get as offended as a girlfriend walking in on you while you're having sex with her best friend. It's just not cool.

So the Tankster is going to spend a few months in Cook County Clink. That's the bad news. The good news is they probably have a better weight room than the Bears, and no nightclubs, so Tank can spend his days getting himself in shape for training camp in August. Not to mention all the practice he'll get going toe-to-toe with large, angry men who have nothing lose because they're going to guests of the County for a very long time. Maybe that will help him increase his sack total above his lofty output of 3.5 for 2006.

The only question left is who will play the wise old sidekick who helps show him the ropes. Surely there must be an Oakland Raider somewhere who's up for the job.

Stupid Bears!

It's a good thing that one of the requirements I put on myself for this blog is no foul language, because right about now I'd be dropping f-bombs all over the place.

The reason is the Chicago Bears, who have once again managed to prove that they are the cheapest and most ignorant franchise in professional football today. I refer, of course, to two things.

One is the shipping of 1000 yard+ running back Thomas Jones to the NY Jets in return for a 1985 Chrysler Imperial and a pack of Mentos. Yeah, we don't need that guy, do we? All he did was continually make good yardage out of the same caliber of blocking that caused Rex Grossman to soil his pants every time he dropped back. Instead we're going to be treated to a big heaping helping of Cedric Benson, the same running back who has yet to prove he has the durability or smarts to carry the load for a full season.

The true issue is one of not wanting to look stupid (and yet managing to do so anyway). The Bears drafted Benson #4 overall and paid him a ton of money, only to be outshown by Jones at every turn. Not wanting to admit they may have been mistaken, they have decided to settle matters by getting rid of the one guy who reminds everyone of how stupid they are, and who coincidentally the one guy who made their offense work. Well, played Bears management.

Then there's the Lance Briggs thing. It sucks, and I hate it as a fan, but at least this one I get. Why would they want to pay Briggs more money when they can keep him for less? It's not like they can sell more tickets if he stays -- they're already all sold out all the time. This ain't Phoenix. They can't even justify it by getting more ticket holders to show up. As far as I know the Chicago Park District makes the money off parking and concessions, so what do the Bears care? Until they stop selling all the tickets there is no incentive to pay more to keep Briggs.

A Super Bowl championship would be nice and all, they figure, but trophies don't pay the bills. Just to be sure they insult as many people as they can, though, they stick Briggs with the "franchise" tag. Maybe they figure he plays best when he's angry. Who knows?

In any case, I wonder what TV technology will be like in 2028? That's probably the next time the Bears will be in the Super Bowl, so I want to make sure I can enjoy it in the best possible way. I figure on being dead for the one after that.

You'd think I'd learn

A few days ago I posted about my narrow encounter with the local law enforcement officials, delighting at how I'd beaten the system (thanks to the officer being on his way to a more important call). Well, on Monday I found out once again that you can't beat the house. You can only postpone the inevitable.

Yes, I was popped for speeding, driving North on route 83 in Vernon Hills, which is a known speed trap. Stupid! In my defense I was rushing to get to the high school to pay the athletic fee for my daughter so she could be forced by my wife and me to play softball there. Apparently I had more time than I thought because even with the delay of receiving a ticket I got there in plenty of time.

I will say the officer in Vernon Hills was far nicer than the Mundelein copper I'd run into a few days before. He even commented that he would write the ticket up quickly so I could be on my way to continue my mission. I don't know if he was being amusing in his own way or not, but at least he didn't cop an overt attitude about it. For my part, I knew I was caught so I just took it in stride.

When he first pulled out after I went speeding by him at 60 (in a 45) there was a brief glimmer of hope in my heart that he didn't have the radar gun on, and that he was just waiting to pull out into the street. "Perhaps it's time to head to Dunkin Donuts for a delicious Bavarian Kreme and a hot cup of walnut coffee" I thought to myself. For just an instant I also thought "I wonder if I can find a street to turn into before he catches up so I can lose him" but with where he'd stationed himself and the idiotic traffic that had gotten me all in a tizzy to begin with when I kept getting stuck behind morons yapping on their cell phones and old ladies doing whatever it is old ladies do when they decide to go out driving during the day I could see that wasn't going to happen.

So I owe the State of Illinois another $75. Actually, I'll be paying them $105 so I can once again enjoy the wonders of online traffic school, where they will fill my head with information about being a good driver even though in 30+ years of driving I've never had an accident nor caused one. I will take their quiz, give them the answers they want to hear, and be a good boy. At least for a while.

All of this could have been avoided had I bothered to turn on the radar detector that sits mounted right under my rear view mirror. Of course, it also could've been avoided had I just traveled at the posted limit, but we all know that's not going to happen. Oh well. I'll just fix myself a snack and see if I can beat my previous time in completing the online course.

What is up with Jessica Simpson?

I just saw some commercial or another with Jessica Simpson. At least I think it was her. It might've been Casper the Friendly Gay Ghost. Whoever it was was very pale with lips so bright red they made me check the color contrast on the TV.

I don't get it. Why was she made up to look like a cheap hooker walking the streets of Hollywood looking for her next trick? I mean, I know she's a bubblehead and all but even she must be able to look at herself in a mirror and think "By the Power of Paris Hilton I declare myself to be a skank."

Somebody get that girl away from her family, tone down the lipstick, and for God's sake set her out in the sun for 20 minutes.

Quote of the day

This from a colleague whose name is being withheld to protect my ability to blackmail her later.

We went to downtown Chicago for a meeting with the corporate bigwigs today, and she decided to wear a frothy skirt. It was mighty mother windy today, as only Chicago can be. As she did her best to hold her skirt from blowing over head she said, "Guess I should've worn underwear today."

Words to live by. If only she had been there for Britney, Paris, and Lindsay.

Dealing with Barbara Walters

Had this thought just today. When Barbara Walters does one of her in-depth profiles it seems like her main goal is to make whoever she's interviewing cry. And she does a pretty good job of it, which probably goes to show how self-involved you have to be in order to be of interest to her in the first place.

The great Barbara tears tsunami seems to be pretty tough to resist. So as a public service I have developed a strategy to help deal with this issue. If you happen to be being interviewed by Barbara Walters, and she is asking her usual probing questions to the point where you feel yourself on the verge of tears, simply make one request of her: ask her to say "silly rabbit."

She will either stop tape and throw you off the set (if you are a minor celebrity), or accomodate you if you are important enough to drive ratings during sweeps month. Either way, problem solved.

Oops I Skipped Rehab Again

Man, that was just too good a title to pass up. Thanks, Brit, for making things easy.

According to a report on TMZ (thanks to Marie Grimaldi for passing it along), Britney Spears has checked herself in and out of rehab within 24 hours for the second time in a week. I hate to say it but has somebody explained what rehab is to her? Maybe they need to use smaller words. Or perhaps a picture, say, of a junkie going through cold turkey, or Keith Richards before and after. Wait, that last one may not be such a good idea.

You have to wonder if she thinks she's heading to a day spa or something. She goes there thinking she's going to get a facial and a massage, and instead has people asking her to talk about her feelings toward her mother and whether she's forgiven the people who wronged her (are you listening Justin?).

Poor Britney. She's yo-yoing in and out of rehab the way Anna Nicole used to yo-yo in and out of a size 5. And see what it's gotten her. Check yourself in and disappear for a few months. Let your hair grow back. Maybe read a book that doesn't have a picture of a bare-chested pirate on the cover. You've ceased to be fun and are now just sad. Come back when you can at least pretend to be an actual human being. It'll be best for us all.

I Fought The Law...

This is a personal post. It's for the Mundelein cop who caught me going around an idiot who stayed behind the white line instead of pulling into the intersection like she should, but wasn't able to give me a ticket.

Dude, why the attitude? You lectured me like I was your 12 year old kid caught showing naked lady pictures to the other kids at recess. I remember a time when cops showed their superiority by putting on an air of condescending indifference, politely calling you "sir" while writing up enough tickets to make their quota. But not you. You had to cop an attitude (pun intended).

Remember guy, I was making illegal left hand turns while you were still pooping your pants, and I will probably be making them long after you've been kicked off the force for accepting a hummer from a nearsighted teenager in the back of your squad car. So just politely tell me what I did wrong and address me with the condescending air of indifference I've so richly earned.

And for anyone else reading this, no I didn't get the ticket. Apparently he was on his way to another call and couldn't take the time to write it out. So I got away with one, which is probably what set him off in the first place. Justice rules!

Finally, to the lady in the silver Toyota who was too fearful to pull out into the intersection so others could make the light: stay off the road between the hours of 6:00 AM and 2:00 PM. You are far too timid to be driving a motor vehicle out where real people are.

As for me, after this close call I promise to be more patient behind the wheel. Which means I will take more time to look around for cops before doing it again.

Britney Spears -- WTF?

Just when you think Britney Spears has done the stupidist thing any human being ever could (such as marrying a no-talent, bloodsucking hanger-on who calls himself K-Fed), she manages to prove you wrong.

The latest is a news report that she has shaved her head. As her generation is fond of saying, WTF? What could possibly possess her to do such a thing? Perhaps she's just trying to make sure the carpet matches the drapes. We've already seen that she's, um, a little light downstairs.

I have to admit that I was one of the many middle-age perv men who found her rather hot in her Catholic schoolgirl "Hit Me Baby One More Time" era. It was good to have a pre-teen daughter back then so I could watch that video without looking like a total sleaze. As long as I managed to avoid seeing any actual interviews with her and hearing what an idiot she is I could enjoy the videos in all their teasing glory.

After a couple of years I was able to spot that she was headed for balloon city. No one can dance that much and still be a bit of a chunkster without having the potential to go full-on fat chick. Good call Ken, although I have to admit it was primarily a result of carrying K-Fed's spawn. Still, it doesn't matter how you get them. Saddle bags are saddle bags.

But her face was still cute, and she was dropping the excess weight the way she dropped the cause of it. And just as quickly. But now the baldy sour. What's next -- ripping up a picture of the Pope on national TV?

Britney, I know you have problems, girl. You're unhappy, your life's a mess, you have no parental supervision whatsoever, and you think Paris Hilton is a worthwhile friend. Still, are you so in need of attention that you have to destroy the one thing that made you worthy of note -- your looks? Go back to showing your crotch. At least no one is totally shocked when that is shaved.

Weekend box office news

Well apparently someone had all the short buses gassed up and running this weekend with nowhere in particular to go or else DirectTV lost its main satellite link. That's the only explanation I have for the Eddie Murphy movie Norbit coming in first at the box office this past weekend.

C'mon, people, what's it going to take to get you to quit going to see any piece of crap Eddie Murphy happens to be in. Would you have gone if it had starred Martin Lawrence? I don't think so, as Big Mama's House 2 will attest.

As long as people keep handing over their hard-earned dollars for sub-standard fare, Eddie will be content to crank them out. He can do better, and so can you! Stand up for your right to be entertained. Otherwise he will be like the Chicago Cubs, putting out garbage team after garbage team because their "fans" apparently can't tell the difference and keep filling up Wrigley Field regardless of the product on the field. (I still believe the Cubs could charge $8 a seat to watch them cut the grass when the team is out of town and only 6% of the people there would even realize there is never going to be a ballgame that day.)

Solution for Iraq

Last week President Bush announced he was seeking an additional $25 billion for the war effort in Iraq. This is money he is seeking so we can continue what appears to be an effort to send troops over there for Iraqi militants to use as target practice for their crudely made roadside bombs.

Let's face it. $25 billion is a lot of money, even if you're Bill Gates. It seems like way too much to put in the kitty just to keep the status quo. As always, though, I have a better idea.

What if you took that money and just divided it up between all the Iraqi citizens? According to a population estimate by the CIA there are roughly 26.7 million men, women, and children in Iraq. Probably less now because of all the bombings, but close enough for this discussion. If you divvied up $25 billion between them, you could pay everyone $936.33, cash on the barrelhead. Or towelhead.

I would have to think in a country like Iraq at this point that $936 is a lot of money. You could probably put up an office building with that kind of money and still have enough left over to hire your 73 virgins as secretaries or administrative assistants or whatever. Although life in an office cubicle can suck at times, it's still got to be better than blowing yourself up in what passes for a shopping mall over there. Besides, if you plan it right you can have air conditioning in the office, which will relieve a lot of the day-to-day tension many Iraqi citizens no doubt feel because of the oppressive heat.

Seems to me that this would be a much better way of spending $25 billion in Iraq. The one challenge will be making sure that the money actually gets to the people, and not just into the government's coffers the way it does when the U.N. gets involved. Maybe you give everybody a Christmas Club account the way banks used to do here in the U.S. so they could sucker little kids into giving them their money without having to pay interest. (Individually those accounts weren't much. But if you got 1,000 kids to throw $50 apiece in, that's $50,000 in free money the bank could then invest into companies dumping dangerous products into third world markets at a high profit level. That's good business!) In any case, everyone would have to come in personally and sign for their money; maybe we could have Jane Fonda hand it out since she likes to get involved in stuff like this, and she's kind of a bitch so no one would mess with her.

Give it some thought, people. You know I'm right!

What the hell is wrong with Eddie Murphy?

I don't get it. Eddie Murphy is a very funny, incredibly talented comedian and actor. He's won a Golden Globe and will likely win an Oscar for his performance in DreamGirls.

So why in the world would he make a piece of crap movie like Norbit? More importantly, why he is continuing to insist playing multiple roles? It was amusing when he did it in Coming to America. It sort of worked when he did it in The Nutty Professor -- at least the part where he was Professor Klump and Buddy Love.

But now he's playing both the nerdy guy and the fat girl in Norbit, and it looks like going to see that movie will be like having someone perform oral surgery without an anasthetic for two hours. All you need is for the popcorn to be loaded with rat droppings and it's a perfect evening.

So what's the deal with Murphy playing fat people, too? Was he fat as a kid? He seems to think there's something hilarious about poking fun at the morbidly obese. It sucks being fat. Most fat people would rather not be fat, although it's tough to pass up the 10-pack at White Castle ol' white sign calling you. I'll bet a lot of Eddie's fans have asses the size of these characters, so he might want to think twice before he climbs in the fat suit one more time.

I wish Eddie would go back to the way he was when he did Beverly Hills Cop. Funny, with an attitude. Or else retire. That would be ok too. Dude, the multiple characters and fat suit thing is old. Move on, or move out!

Still smarting over the Bears

It's been almost a week since the highly touted Chicago Bears managed to stink up Miami worse than a raftload of Cuban refugees. And yet the pain still is there.

We'd gotten so used to the Bears winning despite the lack of any discernable pass rush, a quarterback who threw interceptions the way Shriners throw candy at a Fourth of July parade, and those ugly orange jerseys that we thought they'd pull it out just one more time.

Truthfully, the game was a microcosm of the entire season. Devin Hester runs back the opening kickoff to give them a lead. The defense gets an interception leading to a touchdown. The entire team collapses and gives the game away. The only thing missing was Muhsin Muhammed (I'm too lazy to look up how to spell his name, so accept this phonetic version) dropping an easy pass or two. By the third quarter I was hoping they'd put Kyle Orton in to try and save the game. Good thing the beef sandwiches were so good at the party I was attending.

Congrats to Lovie Smith, Ron Rivera, and Ron Turner for coming up with the most ineffective game plan in the history of the Super Bowl -- and then sticking with it at halftime. Their effort showed all the forethought of a GoDaddy commercial. Albert Einstein was no football coach, but he was right about one thing: insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Ah well, to take a page from their Chicago baseball breathern, wait until next year. Bastards!

New purpose in life

Up until today, this blog was called Simple Solutions to Big Problems, wherein I would address a complex issue and come up with a simple solution for it. While I will still be doing that occasionally, I found overall that I couldn't come up with enough stuff that interested me to keep it going.

So I have a new purpose in life. I will now be spewing random thoughts on whatever happens to interest me. Likely a lot of it will be celebrity or media-driven because it's fun to make fun of the rich, famous, and stupid. But rest assured I have just as much contempt for the little guy, and will plan to skewer whoever or whatever I choose. It's my blog and I can do whatever I want on it.

Anna Nicole Smith Starts New Weight Loss Program

After years of struggling with various weight issues, it appears celebrity bimbo Anna Nicole Smith has started on a new, sure-fire weight loss program. The program, called the Die-t, is designed to help her keep from shoving the mass quantities of food for which she has become famous into her mouth while relieving her of the burden of exercising daily. It is believed to be an accelerating program, which means weight loss will begin slowly and then increase steadily over the next few months.

"This program may seem extreme to those who are not rich and famous for getting naked and sleeping with shriveled, disgusting octogenarians while making low-grade, C-quality soft core porn," said her hanger-on consultant, "Dr." Fayed Apunta. "But those people just don't understand the pressures someone like Anna is under to maintain her celebrity or even function in a world without any discernable brain cells whatsoever. My hat is off to her for her dedication to her craft."

Ms. Smith could not be reached for comment.