An open letter to Kelly Clarkson

Dear Kelly,

First of all, let me start by saying that even though I am older than dirt I actually am somewhat of a fan. I liked the song "Since You've Been Gone" a lot, as well as some others whose names I don't know. Can't say that I've actually heard the new album due to a lack of airplay, but I'm sure it's interesting.

I've never watched AI so I don't know you from there, but I did suffer through "From Justin to Kelly" when my teenage daughter wanted to watch it, and it wasn't completely horrible. I found you very engaging and cute despite the material.

Finally, I've seen some interviews with you and you seem like a very intelligent, well-grounded young woman. The kind a father would be proud to have for a daughter, or a daughter-in-law for that matter (although I know you're not interested in getting married). To the best of my knowledge you've never been photographed without wearing panties either, which is good.

I give you this long preamble so you know that I like you, and I care as much about you as a regular person can care about a celebrity. So it is with nothing but love and affection that I must ask you:

WTF is up with you and the clothes you wear? I know the women of your generation like to wear tight jeans and midriff-baring shirts and all, but sweetheart it is just not your look. I mean seriously -- do you not own a mirror? If you do, I'd like to know where you got a mirror that you can look into looking like this and say, "Yeah, I look good!" I could use one of those.

Let's face the facts. You are rather bottom-heavy -- pear-shaped the less tactful would say -- with a short waist and a few extra pounds around the middle. In some outfits you look like your fashion consultant is the Sheboygan Sausage factory. It's ok not to have a perfect Supermodel body. Even the Supermodels get a little help from the retouchers. But you have to know you don't have it and then dress accordingly. You are not long, lanky Heidi Klum. You are short and slightly chunky Kelly Clarkson. Deal with the reality.

If you want to see how a vocal superstar with a bit of a weight issue handles herself, pick up any album from the 1970s Linda Rondstadt collection. Every guy I knew back then had a crush on her despite a tendency to chunk up between photo shoots. She wore peasant blouses and long, flowing dresses that rendered her body, shall we say, indistinct. She let her cute face, and her great voice carry the load.

So Kelly, darling, sweetheart. I beg you. Please. Forget the tight jeans and the bare midriff -- leave them to Christina or Avril, who can wear them well. Take a good, hard look in the mirror, or at the photo above, and find some clothes that suit you better. We'll all be a lot happier.

Love and kisses,

Ken