Scene: Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn returns to his home after meeting with the Jedi Council. His wife, Tapi, who has been watching soap operas on the holovision all afternoon, barely looks up as he enters. Then, with trepidation, he turns to speak.
Qui-Gon: The Jedi Council has ordered me to Naboo to mediate a dispute with the Trade Federation.
Tapi: WHAT???!! You're leaving again? You just got back from that "research conference" on Yavin 4!
Qui-Gon (Meekly): Yes, I know, but the Trade Federation is threatening to blockade Naboo. The Jedi are being asked to intervene by the Senate.
Tapi: Yeah, yeah, there's always some need somewhere. What about my needs? I'm stuck here at home all the time while you're out galavanting around the galaxy. You and that boy you're always running around with.
Qui-Gon: You mean my Padawan, Obi-Wan?
Tapi: Whatever. I wonder about you two. I wonder about any grown man that spends all his time hanging out with a teenage boy. It's not natural.
Qui-Gon: But this could cause a serious...
Tapi: You think that's serious? I'm the one who's serious. If you want to be serious how about asking your precious Jedi council for a raise? We live like paupers while all our friends are getting new land speeders and bigger houses. You know Flovia next door? Her husband just bought her a new diamond necklace with a matching bracelet. She was over here showing it off yesterday, flaunting it in my face every chance she got. And what do I have to show her? Some lousy plaque from an Outer Rim planet that my husband, the big hotshot Jedi Master got? Big whoop!
Qui-Gon (getting angry): Stop! Just stop already. You knew I was a Jedi when you married me.
Tapi: Yeah, but I thought after a while you'd wise up and get a real job, a job where they pay you in real money. That boss of yours Yoda...
Qui-Gon: He's not my boss. We're equals on the Council...
Tapi: Uh huh, sure, only he gets to go home at night while you're running off to backwater planets on these idiot missions that no one appreciates anyway.
Qui-Gon (Angrily): Did you ever stop and think that I volunteer for these missions to get away from YOU?
Tapi: Oh right, it's my fault you're a worthless piece of bantha fodder. I really wish I would've married Muri when I had the chance. Did you know he's already opening his 15th Muri's Clothing for Big Men and Wookies location? He's rolling in credits! I saw him on Holovision last night getting ready to go on vacation at the spa on Bespin. Oh, the life I could've had.
Suddenly, the tension is broken by the distinctive Whoosh! of a light sabre being ignited.
Tapi: What do you think you're going to do with that? Put that thing away before you hurt yourself.
Qui-Gon: Arrrgggghhhh!
Suddenly, with lightning precision, Qui-Gon attacks Tapi with his light saber, swinging wildly and hacking her to bits. Even after it is apparent she is dead he continues to hack into what's left, letting out 15 years of pent-up frustration and anger at her ridicule.
Finally he pauses, breathing heavily, a faint smile of satisfaction on his face. Distantly, in his head, another voice is heard.
Senator Palpatine (Chuckling): Good. Gooooood. All is going as I have foreseen. Allowing the Jedi to marry was my most brilliant move ever. With the help of the Jedi wives the Sith will once again rule the galaxy.
Scene.
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2 comments:
You know, it's always the children that are hurt most by, er... divorce. What's to become of Qui- Gon's children? Cotton Jinn? And Sloe Jinn?
No doubt they stay with mama. Who's going to give the kids to an absentee father who is hanging around with a young boy and Muppet?
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