Went to the post office today to get some stamps. Since there was a long line being passed by a turtle I decided to use the self-help machine. With only a pair of $20 bills in my wallet I put one of them in and got my stamps. That's when it happened.
Instead of some reasonable change, I received four nickels and 12 $1 coins. What the hell am I going to do with them? They look like tokens to ride the rides at Chucky Cheese, especially with the fake gold color.
Worse, though, is this latest example of government thinking. What coin is it closest in size to? That's right, a quarter. Whose picture is on the quarter? George Washington. So whose picture do they decide to put on the $1 coin? You guessed it! Ol' smiling George.
Yes, they're different views, but if you're not looking too closely and you just see who it is you could easily toss it in the toll booth or throw it down as a tip in a greasy spoon diner. What dumbass designed that? And what dumbass approved it?
There have been 43 Presidents of the United States (POTUS) including George W. Bush. They date back all the way to 1789. Surely we could've found one other POTUS who was worthy of being on a coin rather than having to go into repeats already. Hell, JFK turned out to be a philandering whore-monger and he has his own coin. Why not Bill Clinton? If that's too recent, how about Teddy Roosevelt? He's pretty recognizable. Even Millard Fillmore would be an improvement over using George yet again. He has the dollar bill and the quarter. The man has done enough -- let him rest!
This is just one more example of your tax dollars -- literally -- at work. Can't somebody in Washington get their thumbs out of their asses long enough to go to the White House Web site and pick another POTUS to honor? John Adams provided most of the ideas for the Declaration of Independence and got the war financed. Can't he get a coin?
I'd even take Martin Sheen since probably half the country thinks he actually was the President because of all his years on The West Wing.
And what the hell am I going to do with all those $1 coins anyway? Hope my bank will trade them in for real money.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Anna Nicole Death Ruled a Drug Overdose
Here's another newsflash: the sun rose in the East this morning.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Why the Jedi weren't allowed to marry
Scene: Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn returns to his home after meeting with the Jedi Council. His wife, Tapi, who has been watching soap operas on the holovision all afternoon, barely looks up as he enters. Then, with trepidation, he turns to speak.
Qui-Gon: The Jedi Council has ordered me to Naboo to mediate a dispute with the Trade Federation.
Tapi: WHAT???!! You're leaving again? You just got back from that "research conference" on Yavin 4!
Qui-Gon (Meekly): Yes, I know, but the Trade Federation is threatening to blockade Naboo. The Jedi are being asked to intervene by the Senate.
Tapi: Yeah, yeah, there's always some need somewhere. What about my needs? I'm stuck here at home all the time while you're out galavanting around the galaxy. You and that boy you're always running around with.
Qui-Gon: You mean my Padawan, Obi-Wan?
Tapi: Whatever. I wonder about you two. I wonder about any grown man that spends all his time hanging out with a teenage boy. It's not natural.
Qui-Gon: But this could cause a serious...
Tapi: You think that's serious? I'm the one who's serious. If you want to be serious how about asking your precious Jedi council for a raise? We live like paupers while all our friends are getting new land speeders and bigger houses. You know Flovia next door? Her husband just bought her a new diamond necklace with a matching bracelet. She was over here showing it off yesterday, flaunting it in my face every chance she got. And what do I have to show her? Some lousy plaque from an Outer Rim planet that my husband, the big hotshot Jedi Master got? Big whoop!
Qui-Gon (getting angry): Stop! Just stop already. You knew I was a Jedi when you married me.
Tapi: Yeah, but I thought after a while you'd wise up and get a real job, a job where they pay you in real money. That boss of yours Yoda...
Qui-Gon: He's not my boss. We're equals on the Council...
Tapi: Uh huh, sure, only he gets to go home at night while you're running off to backwater planets on these idiot missions that no one appreciates anyway.
Qui-Gon (Angrily): Did you ever stop and think that I volunteer for these missions to get away from YOU?
Tapi: Oh right, it's my fault you're a worthless piece of bantha fodder. I really wish I would've married Muri when I had the chance. Did you know he's already opening his 15th Muri's Clothing for Big Men and Wookies location? He's rolling in credits! I saw him on Holovision last night getting ready to go on vacation at the spa on Bespin. Oh, the life I could've had.
Suddenly, the tension is broken by the distinctive Whoosh! of a light sabre being ignited.
Tapi: What do you think you're going to do with that? Put that thing away before you hurt yourself.
Qui-Gon: Arrrgggghhhh!
Suddenly, with lightning precision, Qui-Gon attacks Tapi with his light saber, swinging wildly and hacking her to bits. Even after it is apparent she is dead he continues to hack into what's left, letting out 15 years of pent-up frustration and anger at her ridicule.
Finally he pauses, breathing heavily, a faint smile of satisfaction on his face. Distantly, in his head, another voice is heard.
Senator Palpatine (Chuckling): Good. Gooooood. All is going as I have foreseen. Allowing the Jedi to marry was my most brilliant move ever. With the help of the Jedi wives the Sith will once again rule the galaxy.
Scene.
Qui-Gon: The Jedi Council has ordered me to Naboo to mediate a dispute with the Trade Federation.
Tapi: WHAT???!! You're leaving again? You just got back from that "research conference" on Yavin 4!
Qui-Gon (Meekly): Yes, I know, but the Trade Federation is threatening to blockade Naboo. The Jedi are being asked to intervene by the Senate.
Tapi: Yeah, yeah, there's always some need somewhere. What about my needs? I'm stuck here at home all the time while you're out galavanting around the galaxy. You and that boy you're always running around with.
Qui-Gon: You mean my Padawan, Obi-Wan?
Tapi: Whatever. I wonder about you two. I wonder about any grown man that spends all his time hanging out with a teenage boy. It's not natural.
Qui-Gon: But this could cause a serious...
Tapi: You think that's serious? I'm the one who's serious. If you want to be serious how about asking your precious Jedi council for a raise? We live like paupers while all our friends are getting new land speeders and bigger houses. You know Flovia next door? Her husband just bought her a new diamond necklace with a matching bracelet. She was over here showing it off yesterday, flaunting it in my face every chance she got. And what do I have to show her? Some lousy plaque from an Outer Rim planet that my husband, the big hotshot Jedi Master got? Big whoop!
Qui-Gon (getting angry): Stop! Just stop already. You knew I was a Jedi when you married me.
Tapi: Yeah, but I thought after a while you'd wise up and get a real job, a job where they pay you in real money. That boss of yours Yoda...
Qui-Gon: He's not my boss. We're equals on the Council...
Tapi: Uh huh, sure, only he gets to go home at night while you're running off to backwater planets on these idiot missions that no one appreciates anyway.
Qui-Gon (Angrily): Did you ever stop and think that I volunteer for these missions to get away from YOU?
Tapi: Oh right, it's my fault you're a worthless piece of bantha fodder. I really wish I would've married Muri when I had the chance. Did you know he's already opening his 15th Muri's Clothing for Big Men and Wookies location? He's rolling in credits! I saw him on Holovision last night getting ready to go on vacation at the spa on Bespin. Oh, the life I could've had.
Suddenly, the tension is broken by the distinctive Whoosh! of a light sabre being ignited.
Tapi: What do you think you're going to do with that? Put that thing away before you hurt yourself.
Qui-Gon: Arrrgggghhhh!
Suddenly, with lightning precision, Qui-Gon attacks Tapi with his light saber, swinging wildly and hacking her to bits. Even after it is apparent she is dead he continues to hack into what's left, letting out 15 years of pent-up frustration and anger at her ridicule.
Finally he pauses, breathing heavily, a faint smile of satisfaction on his face. Distantly, in his head, another voice is heard.
Senator Palpatine (Chuckling): Good. Gooooood. All is going as I have foreseen. Allowing the Jedi to marry was my most brilliant move ever. With the help of the Jedi wives the Sith will once again rule the galaxy.
Scene.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Britney gets her life back
According to a story I read on AOL's trashy celebrity news, Britney Spears has made "an amazing turnaround" in rehab and says she's getting her life back. Congratulations to Brit! We here at What'd They Do Now are very happy to hear about her success.
It won't be long before she's back out in the world, smoking cigarettes, shaving her hair, getting weird tattoos, getting drunk, flashing her privates, and driving around Hollywood with her kids in her lap. I mean, that was her life, right?
In related news she and K-Fed are hammering out an agreement on custody. At what point did you ever think you'd believe that K-Fed should be the one who gets them, for their own sake? I know that's caught me by surprise. Oh well. As long as her Mom doesn't get them I guess the world will be safe.
It won't be long before she's back out in the world, smoking cigarettes, shaving her hair, getting weird tattoos, getting drunk, flashing her privates, and driving around Hollywood with her kids in her lap. I mean, that was her life, right?
In related news she and K-Fed are hammering out an agreement on custody. At what point did you ever think you'd believe that K-Fed should be the one who gets them, for their own sake? I know that's caught me by surprise. Oh well. As long as her Mom doesn't get them I guess the world will be safe.
From the Dept. of Irony
We all know that several men have stepped forward claiming to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby. Naturally we can assume that most of them just want to brag about having nailed ANS, as if that were a challenge. She seemed to choose sexual partners the way parking meters choose quarters.
Those men wishing to take the next step have been ordered to provide a DNA sample. Now comes the irony. We hear each of them is being given a magazine containing naked ANS pictures to help them generate their, um, deposit.
You have to love it when life comes full circle.
Those men wishing to take the next step have been ordered to provide a DNA sample. Now comes the irony. We hear each of them is being given a magazine containing naked ANS pictures to help them generate their, um, deposit.
You have to love it when life comes full circle.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
All quiet on the Tom Cruise front
Haven't heard much from ol' Tommy Boy lately. I think I know why.
I believe he has been instructed by the space aliens to lay low for a while, lest he jeapordize their efforts to sacrifice the prisoner and Thetan Virgin Queen (aka Katie Holmes) to the volcano gods of Omicron Six.
Either that or the aliens thought MI3 sucked.
I believe he has been instructed by the space aliens to lay low for a while, lest he jeapordize their efforts to sacrifice the prisoner and Thetan Virgin Queen (aka Katie Holmes) to the volcano gods of Omicron Six.
Either that or the aliens thought MI3 sucked.
Friday, March 16, 2007
Grey's Anatomy spin-off woes
Ok, the last couple of posts were on the Chicago Bears, so here's one for the ladies. Trouble abounds with the Grey's Anatomy spin-off. Some cast members are angry that one of their own gets her own show while they're stuck swimming in Ellen Pompeo's scrawny little wake. Fans are agonizing over who will be joining the show and whether Tim Daly is hot enough to uphold the standards. Here's my comment: Who cares?
It's really not that great of a show. The characters are whiny, the plots contrived (remember the guy with the bomb inside of him?) and the medical stuff is useless. At least from all the years I watched ER I learned that when someone comes into an emergency room you need to order a CVC and a Chem Seven, no matter what the problem is. There must be a good incentive program for using those tests, like maybe a free trip to Barbados for everyone who surpasses the 10,000 test mark in a year.
But Grey's Anatomy? Nothing. I'll never be able to fake my way through a hospital with the crap the spew out there.
More significantly it's on on Thursday night opposite Scrubs, which I find to be a much more interesting and realistic medical program. So if the main program is a pain, what hope does its spin-off have?
Let's face it ladies. Search your heart of hearts. You know Grey's Anatomy sucks. It's like listening to your friends whine about their spouses/love lives, only they're not buying you Cosmos while they do it. Quit watching it, and let it (and its ugly offspring) go flatline while you still have some sense of self-respect.
It's really not that great of a show. The characters are whiny, the plots contrived (remember the guy with the bomb inside of him?) and the medical stuff is useless. At least from all the years I watched ER I learned that when someone comes into an emergency room you need to order a CVC and a Chem Seven, no matter what the problem is. There must be a good incentive program for using those tests, like maybe a free trip to Barbados for everyone who surpasses the 10,000 test mark in a year.
But Grey's Anatomy? Nothing. I'll never be able to fake my way through a hospital with the crap the spew out there.
More significantly it's on on Thursday night opposite Scrubs, which I find to be a much more interesting and realistic medical program. So if the main program is a pain, what hope does its spin-off have?
Let's face it ladies. Search your heart of hearts. You know Grey's Anatomy sucks. It's like listening to your friends whine about their spouses/love lives, only they're not buying you Cosmos while they do it. Quit watching it, and let it (and its ugly offspring) go flatline while you still have some sense of self-respect.
Tank Johnson Stars in "Longest Yard" Remake
Forget Burt Reynolds. Forget Adam Sandler. The Chicago Bears' Tank Johnson is going them both one better by starring a real-life remake of the movie "The Longest Yard."
You know the plot to that movie. Former NFL star does something stupid, gets sent to prison, is asked to put together a football team to play the guards, etc. Now, no one has asked the Tankster to put together a football team, but pretty much the rest of it is there.
In case you've been hiding under a rock, Tank was accused of violating an 18-month probation he'd received on a 2005 weapons charge. He pleaded guilty to having a loaded weapon in his car and was given a wrist slap. When the Gurnee, IL police descended on his house in December they found a small aresenal on-premises, none of which was registered. Probably because he wasn't supposed to have guns in his house, car, or anywhere else. It looked like Tank had become confused about his nickname and expected he might actually have to roll through the street of Iraq searching for terrorists.
The irony is if he only could've held off for another five months his probation would've been up and he could've had all the nasty firearms he wanted. But when you violate probation after pleading guilty the U.S. court system tends to think you're not taking them seriously, and they get as offended as a girlfriend walking in on you while you're having sex with her best friend. It's just not cool.
So the Tankster is going to spend a few months in Cook County Clink. That's the bad news. The good news is they probably have a better weight room than the Bears, and no nightclubs, so Tank can spend his days getting himself in shape for training camp in August. Not to mention all the practice he'll get going toe-to-toe with large, angry men who have nothing lose because they're going to guests of the County for a very long time. Maybe that will help him increase his sack total above his lofty output of 3.5 for 2006.
The only question left is who will play the wise old sidekick who helps show him the ropes. Surely there must be an Oakland Raider somewhere who's up for the job.
You know the plot to that movie. Former NFL star does something stupid, gets sent to prison, is asked to put together a football team to play the guards, etc. Now, no one has asked the Tankster to put together a football team, but pretty much the rest of it is there.
In case you've been hiding under a rock, Tank was accused of violating an 18-month probation he'd received on a 2005 weapons charge. He pleaded guilty to having a loaded weapon in his car and was given a wrist slap. When the Gurnee, IL police descended on his house in December they found a small aresenal on-premises, none of which was registered. Probably because he wasn't supposed to have guns in his house, car, or anywhere else. It looked like Tank had become confused about his nickname and expected he might actually have to roll through the street of Iraq searching for terrorists.
The irony is if he only could've held off for another five months his probation would've been up and he could've had all the nasty firearms he wanted. But when you violate probation after pleading guilty the U.S. court system tends to think you're not taking them seriously, and they get as offended as a girlfriend walking in on you while you're having sex with her best friend. It's just not cool.
So the Tankster is going to spend a few months in Cook County Clink. That's the bad news. The good news is they probably have a better weight room than the Bears, and no nightclubs, so Tank can spend his days getting himself in shape for training camp in August. Not to mention all the practice he'll get going toe-to-toe with large, angry men who have nothing lose because they're going to guests of the County for a very long time. Maybe that will help him increase his sack total above his lofty output of 3.5 for 2006.
The only question left is who will play the wise old sidekick who helps show him the ropes. Surely there must be an Oakland Raider somewhere who's up for the job.
Friday, March 09, 2007
Stupid Bears!
It's a good thing that one of the requirements I put on myself for this blog is no foul language, because right about now I'd be dropping f-bombs all over the place.
The reason is the Chicago Bears, who have once again managed to prove that they are the cheapest and most ignorant franchise in professional football today. I refer, of course, to two things.
One is the shipping of 1000 yard+ running back Thomas Jones to the NY Jets in return for a 1985 Chrysler Imperial and a pack of Mentos. Yeah, we don't need that guy, do we? All he did was continually make good yardage out of the same caliber of blocking that caused Rex Grossman to soil his pants every time he dropped back. Instead we're going to be treated to a big heaping helping of Cedric Benson, the same running back who has yet to prove he has the durability or smarts to carry the load for a full season.
The true issue is one of not wanting to look stupid (and yet managing to do so anyway). The Bears drafted Benson #4 overall and paid him a ton of money, only to be outshown by Jones at every turn. Not wanting to admit they may have been mistaken, they have decided to settle matters by getting rid of the one guy who reminds everyone of how stupid they are, and who coincidentally the one guy who made their offense work. Well, played Bears management.
Then there's the Lance Briggs thing. It sucks, and I hate it as a fan, but at least this one I get. Why would they want to pay Briggs more money when they can keep him for less? It's not like they can sell more tickets if he stays -- they're already all sold out all the time. This ain't Phoenix. They can't even justify it by getting more ticket holders to show up. As far as I know the Chicago Park District makes the money off parking and concessions, so what do the Bears care? Until they stop selling all the tickets there is no incentive to pay more to keep Briggs.
A Super Bowl championship would be nice and all, they figure, but trophies don't pay the bills. Just to be sure they insult as many people as they can, though, they stick Briggs with the "franchise" tag. Maybe they figure he plays best when he's angry. Who knows?
In any case, I wonder what TV technology will be like in 2028? That's probably the next time the Bears will be in the Super Bowl, so I want to make sure I can enjoy it in the best possible way. I figure on being dead for the one after that.
The reason is the Chicago Bears, who have once again managed to prove that they are the cheapest and most ignorant franchise in professional football today. I refer, of course, to two things.
One is the shipping of 1000 yard+ running back Thomas Jones to the NY Jets in return for a 1985 Chrysler Imperial and a pack of Mentos. Yeah, we don't need that guy, do we? All he did was continually make good yardage out of the same caliber of blocking that caused Rex Grossman to soil his pants every time he dropped back. Instead we're going to be treated to a big heaping helping of Cedric Benson, the same running back who has yet to prove he has the durability or smarts to carry the load for a full season.
The true issue is one of not wanting to look stupid (and yet managing to do so anyway). The Bears drafted Benson #4 overall and paid him a ton of money, only to be outshown by Jones at every turn. Not wanting to admit they may have been mistaken, they have decided to settle matters by getting rid of the one guy who reminds everyone of how stupid they are, and who coincidentally the one guy who made their offense work. Well, played Bears management.
Then there's the Lance Briggs thing. It sucks, and I hate it as a fan, but at least this one I get. Why would they want to pay Briggs more money when they can keep him for less? It's not like they can sell more tickets if he stays -- they're already all sold out all the time. This ain't Phoenix. They can't even justify it by getting more ticket holders to show up. As far as I know the Chicago Park District makes the money off parking and concessions, so what do the Bears care? Until they stop selling all the tickets there is no incentive to pay more to keep Briggs.
A Super Bowl championship would be nice and all, they figure, but trophies don't pay the bills. Just to be sure they insult as many people as they can, though, they stick Briggs with the "franchise" tag. Maybe they figure he plays best when he's angry. Who knows?
In any case, I wonder what TV technology will be like in 2028? That's probably the next time the Bears will be in the Super Bowl, so I want to make sure I can enjoy it in the best possible way. I figure on being dead for the one after that.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
You'd think I'd learn
A few days ago I posted about my narrow encounter with the local law enforcement officials, delighting at how I'd beaten the system (thanks to the officer being on his way to a more important call). Well, on Monday I found out once again that you can't beat the house. You can only postpone the inevitable.
Yes, I was popped for speeding, driving North on route 83 in Vernon Hills, which is a known speed trap. Stupid! In my defense I was rushing to get to the high school to pay the athletic fee for my daughter so she could be forced by my wife and me to play softball there. Apparently I had more time than I thought because even with the delay of receiving a ticket I got there in plenty of time.
I will say the officer in Vernon Hills was far nicer than the Mundelein copper I'd run into a few days before. He even commented that he would write the ticket up quickly so I could be on my way to continue my mission. I don't know if he was being amusing in his own way or not, but at least he didn't cop an overt attitude about it. For my part, I knew I was caught so I just took it in stride.
When he first pulled out after I went speeding by him at 60 (in a 45) there was a brief glimmer of hope in my heart that he didn't have the radar gun on, and that he was just waiting to pull out into the street. "Perhaps it's time to head to Dunkin Donuts for a delicious Bavarian Kreme and a hot cup of walnut coffee" I thought to myself. For just an instant I also thought "I wonder if I can find a street to turn into before he catches up so I can lose him" but with where he'd stationed himself and the idiotic traffic that had gotten me all in a tizzy to begin with when I kept getting stuck behind morons yapping on their cell phones and old ladies doing whatever it is old ladies do when they decide to go out driving during the day I could see that wasn't going to happen.
So I owe the State of Illinois another $75. Actually, I'll be paying them $105 so I can once again enjoy the wonders of online traffic school, where they will fill my head with information about being a good driver even though in 30+ years of driving I've never had an accident nor caused one. I will take their quiz, give them the answers they want to hear, and be a good boy. At least for a while.
All of this could have been avoided had I bothered to turn on the radar detector that sits mounted right under my rear view mirror. Of course, it also could've been avoided had I just traveled at the posted limit, but we all know that's not going to happen. Oh well. I'll just fix myself a snack and see if I can beat my previous time in completing the online course.
Yes, I was popped for speeding, driving North on route 83 in Vernon Hills, which is a known speed trap. Stupid! In my defense I was rushing to get to the high school to pay the athletic fee for my daughter so she could be forced by my wife and me to play softball there. Apparently I had more time than I thought because even with the delay of receiving a ticket I got there in plenty of time.
I will say the officer in Vernon Hills was far nicer than the Mundelein copper I'd run into a few days before. He even commented that he would write the ticket up quickly so I could be on my way to continue my mission. I don't know if he was being amusing in his own way or not, but at least he didn't cop an overt attitude about it. For my part, I knew I was caught so I just took it in stride.
When he first pulled out after I went speeding by him at 60 (in a 45) there was a brief glimmer of hope in my heart that he didn't have the radar gun on, and that he was just waiting to pull out into the street. "Perhaps it's time to head to Dunkin Donuts for a delicious Bavarian Kreme and a hot cup of walnut coffee" I thought to myself. For just an instant I also thought "I wonder if I can find a street to turn into before he catches up so I can lose him" but with where he'd stationed himself and the idiotic traffic that had gotten me all in a tizzy to begin with when I kept getting stuck behind morons yapping on their cell phones and old ladies doing whatever it is old ladies do when they decide to go out driving during the day I could see that wasn't going to happen.
So I owe the State of Illinois another $75. Actually, I'll be paying them $105 so I can once again enjoy the wonders of online traffic school, where they will fill my head with information about being a good driver even though in 30+ years of driving I've never had an accident nor caused one. I will take their quiz, give them the answers they want to hear, and be a good boy. At least for a while.
All of this could have been avoided had I bothered to turn on the radar detector that sits mounted right under my rear view mirror. Of course, it also could've been avoided had I just traveled at the posted limit, but we all know that's not going to happen. Oh well. I'll just fix myself a snack and see if I can beat my previous time in completing the online course.
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