Now it makes sense

When I was a senior in high school, we had elections for class president. My class, being somewhat rebellious, decided to elect one of the kids from the special ed class as president. His name was Roy Roberts, I think. This was not done as a kind and thoughtful gesture, throwing a kid with little else going for him a bone. We did it because we thought it would be funny, and probably because we thought it would make a statement about our attitude toward the student government, and government in general. After all, it was 1973 when he was elected. Mostly, though, we did it to be funny in that mean-spirited sort of way only teenagers and Asian students at Virginia Tech can manage.

What got me thinking about that was the continuing coverage of that Sanjaya guy on American Idol. I have never watched that show, nor do I care to, but even I know who he is. He's the guy with the homohawk haircut who apparently doesn't sing very well but keeps getting voted forward. I've come to realize that Sanjaya is America's Roy Roberts. He's that special ed kid everyone keeps voting for because it's funny to do.

Of course, there is another theory that the rival networks are paying people to vote for him on the assumption that if he wins it will bring the #1 show in American TV crashing down. (How pathetic is that, by the way? An updated version of your middle school's variety show is #1?) I suppose it's a possibility but that's just cynical.

I prefer to think of it in more positive terms. America is simply voting for the retarded kid so we can all point and laugh. And that's what makes this country great.

Heather Locklear is officially divorced

Saw that one online and in the newspaper this morning. Wow. Heather, just so you know I am married, but I think I could work it out if you're interested. My wife isn't all that fond of me these days anyway, so I'll bet we could buy her off cheap.

This sort of thing does make you wonder, though. I know she's aged a bit, and the last photo I saw of her suggested Botox to the nth degree, but she's still a babe and from all reports an intelligent, sweet, nice lady. Yet she's now going down for the second time. (I know there's a really rude joke in there about maybe that being the cause of the divorce, but I won't tell it here.)

I've seen pictures of her ex, Ritchie Sambora, and he's no Heather Locklear, I can tell you that. Yet at some point he probably got tired of boning Heather Locklear and decided to go after someone else. What does that say about him, and about men in general? Other than we're idiots.

Anyway, Heather, if I was married to you I would be kind and faithful to you always. I know you like musicians, and I do play the guitar. Not at Ritchie's level, maybe, but enough to keep you entertained on a cold winter's night. Give it some thought. We can make this thing work.

Weighing in on Don Imus

He's a local New York radio talk show host who said something stupid. Who cares? Other than the people in New York.

If he had said the same thing in Idaho he's still be on the air. Really, people, get a freakin' life!

What's been lost in the Anna Nicole baby controversy

Well, thank goodness we finally know who the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby is! I know it was a topic that's been preying on my mind since her poor, unfortunate mother went to that big outlet mall in the sky. Now we can take on some of the lesser issues of the day, such as how to get our American troops the hell out of Iraq before any more get killed, or what to do about global warming.

Before we leave it, though, I do have to mention something that never seems to have been brought up by the media. Isn't it kind of bad that there were all these people who could have a legitimate claim to being the father of her baby? I mean seriously, think about it. She must've had sex with all of these guys nearly a year ago, and in close proximity (although hopefully not at exactly the same time). Sorry, but where I come from that makes you a common slut, not a celebrity.

Instead of celebrating her and moaning over her demise, perhaps we should be making her a cautionary tale for young people, and particularly young women, everywhere. Hey, kids, you don't want to be like Anna Nicole. She was apparently taking in more sausage than the loading dock at a fast food restaurant and now look where she is.

I'm just sayin'...

What gobs of money can buy you

Somehow I picture this being at Val Kilmer's house as he tells himself he was the best Batman of all.

How horrible must Liz Hurley be?

This is one of those questions I've always wondered about. Elizabeth Hurley is one hot-looking woman. Beautiful face, amazing figure -- and she has that great British accent to go with it. Seems like the kind of package any guy would be happy with.

Yet men seem willing to pull their own heads off rather than stay with her. Hugh Grant cheated on her with a cheap-o Hollywood hooker. She's been married a couple of times, always briefly. You wonder what it is about her that sends the men she loves running for the hills.

Is she incredibly high maintenance? I mean, is she constantly looking for positive reinforcement? Surely she can't wonder if her ass is too big in that dress or all the typical wifely peccadillos. Maybe when she's at home she has bad gas problems, or chews on her toenails, or worships the Devil. What else could it be?

In any case, I hope her marriage to the new guy lasts a bit longer. She deserves to be happy, just like anyone. But if it doesn't, maybe she'll go out on a binge and show her goodies like Britney. You just never know.

Lindsay Lohan wax figure

Talk about art imitating life. I saw on AOL that roughly a year ago Madamme Tussaud's debuted a wax figure of Lindsay Lohan. Not sure how I missed that originally, but there you go.

The point is you wonder how anyone can tell the difference when the two are standing side-by-side. Particularly if the "live" one is acting.

Of course, it could be worse. Pamela Anderson actually is a completely wax figure. When she dies they can just stick her right into the museum with no further preparation.