I Know What Brit's Doing

It's taken me a while to figure this out, but I'm finally onto what our pal Britney Spears is up to. She is not having a meltdown. She is not under pressure to produce. She has not finally gone 'round the bend.

Here's the truth, plain and simple: She just can't stand for any of her peers to get attention. When they do, she behaves like a little kid running around in her underwear at a family gathering to see the new baby, yelling "Look at me too, look at me too!"

Look at the facts. LiLo gets busted for DUI shortly after leaving rehab. Suddenly Brit is throwing a fit at an OK Magazine photo shoot, destroying designer dresses with poop from her dog. (For those who don't get their hair cut in cheap shops, OK Magazine is the poor man's People. It's like the generic house brand snack cake is to Ho Hos, including the nutrition value.)

Paris gets caught with no panties, and suddenly Brit is showing the goods for the world to see. I can't remember what happened right before she shaved her head, but I know there was something.

It's sort of like the Beatles and the Rolling Stones in '60s. The Beatles come out with Sgt. Pepper, and a few months later the Stones follow on with Satanic Majesties. It's just a copycat game, trying to make sure that her rivals don't get all the attention.

Well, the jig is up. You've been exposed (no pun intended). You can go back to being just a normal 25-year-old mother of two with a room temperature IQ and a disdain for healthy foods.

An open letter to Kelly Clarkson

Dear Kelly,

First of all, let me start by saying that even though I am older than dirt I actually am somewhat of a fan. I liked the song "Since You've Been Gone" a lot, as well as some others whose names I don't know. Can't say that I've actually heard the new album due to a lack of airplay, but I'm sure it's interesting.

I've never watched AI so I don't know you from there, but I did suffer through "From Justin to Kelly" when my teenage daughter wanted to watch it, and it wasn't completely horrible. I found you very engaging and cute despite the material.

Finally, I've seen some interviews with you and you seem like a very intelligent, well-grounded young woman. The kind a father would be proud to have for a daughter, or a daughter-in-law for that matter (although I know you're not interested in getting married). To the best of my knowledge you've never been photographed without wearing panties either, which is good.

I give you this long preamble so you know that I like you, and I care as much about you as a regular person can care about a celebrity. So it is with nothing but love and affection that I must ask you:

WTF is up with you and the clothes you wear? I know the women of your generation like to wear tight jeans and midriff-baring shirts and all, but sweetheart it is just not your look. I mean seriously -- do you not own a mirror? If you do, I'd like to know where you got a mirror that you can look into looking like this and say, "Yeah, I look good!" I could use one of those.

Let's face the facts. You are rather bottom-heavy -- pear-shaped the less tactful would say -- with a short waist and a few extra pounds around the middle. In some outfits you look like your fashion consultant is the Sheboygan Sausage factory. It's ok not to have a perfect Supermodel body. Even the Supermodels get a little help from the retouchers. But you have to know you don't have it and then dress accordingly. You are not long, lanky Heidi Klum. You are short and slightly chunky Kelly Clarkson. Deal with the reality.

If you want to see how a vocal superstar with a bit of a weight issue handles herself, pick up any album from the 1970s Linda Rondstadt collection. Every guy I knew back then had a crush on her despite a tendency to chunk up between photo shoots. She wore peasant blouses and long, flowing dresses that rendered her body, shall we say, indistinct. She let her cute face, and her great voice carry the load.

So Kelly, darling, sweetheart. I beg you. Please. Forget the tight jeans and the bare midriff -- leave them to Christina or Avril, who can wear them well. Take a good, hard look in the mirror, or at the photo above, and find some clothes that suit you better. We'll all be a lot happier.

Love and kisses,

Ken

And Robert Downey Jr. Award Goes To...

...Lindsay Lohan. This award is really a lifetime achievement award for dedication and commitment to allowing multiple stints in rehab to have no affect on your behavior whatsoever. It is named, of course, for well-known substance abuser Robert Downey Jr., who has made a career out of destroying his career. Every time it gets resurrected he manages to go off the wagon and do something really stupid that lands him in jail.



According to the news reports, La Lohan was arrested yesterday not only for DUI and obnoxious behavior toward the mother of her former assistant but also for having some cocaine in her pocket. That girl must be dumb as a box of rocks.



Lindsay, you just got out of rehab -- rehab for an incident caused when you were too young to even be drinking, let alone imbibing illegal drugs. I know it's an addiction and all, but surely the people at the Malibu Alcohol and Drug Rehab Treatment Facility must've made some impression on you for the six weeks+ you were their guest. Or did you just stop off for a celebratory Margarita on your way home from there?



I know when I get a speeding ticket I at least try to watch my speed for the next few weeks. But La Lohan? No way! She gets out of rehab with a DUI pending and spends her day driving drunk and chasing after people she's mad at.



Well, Lindsay, I've got news for you. Even the Beverly Hills police will only tolerate so much. Perhaps this time you'll find yourself living a real-life sequel to Mean Girls, only this time they come after you with broomsticks instead of "burn books." You might want to ask Paris for a few prison fashion tips.


In any case, congratulations Lindsay on a job well done. RDJr himself is no doubt proud.