I just saw some commercial or another with Jessica Simpson. At least I think it was her. It might've been Casper the Friendly Gay Ghost. Whoever it was was very pale with lips so bright red they made me check the color contrast on the TV.
I don't get it. Why was she made up to look like a cheap hooker walking the streets of Hollywood looking for her next trick? I mean, I know she's a bubblehead and all but even she must be able to look at herself in a mirror and think "By the Power of Paris Hilton I declare myself to be a skank."
Somebody get that girl away from her family, tone down the lipstick, and for God's sake set her out in the sun for 20 minutes.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Quote of the day
This from a colleague whose name is being withheld to protect my ability to blackmail her later.
We went to downtown Chicago for a meeting with the corporate bigwigs today, and she decided to wear a frothy skirt. It was mighty mother windy today, as only Chicago can be. As she did her best to hold her skirt from blowing over head she said, "Guess I should've worn underwear today."
Words to live by. If only she had been there for Britney, Paris, and Lindsay.
We went to downtown Chicago for a meeting with the corporate bigwigs today, and she decided to wear a frothy skirt. It was mighty mother windy today, as only Chicago can be. As she did her best to hold her skirt from blowing over head she said, "Guess I should've worn underwear today."
Words to live by. If only she had been there for Britney, Paris, and Lindsay.
Dealing with Barbara Walters
Had this thought just today. When Barbara Walters does one of her in-depth profiles it seems like her main goal is to make whoever she's interviewing cry. And she does a pretty good job of it, which probably goes to show how self-involved you have to be in order to be of interest to her in the first place.
The great Barbara tears tsunami seems to be pretty tough to resist. So as a public service I have developed a strategy to help deal with this issue. If you happen to be being interviewed by Barbara Walters, and she is asking her usual probing questions to the point where you feel yourself on the verge of tears, simply make one request of her: ask her to say "silly rabbit."
She will either stop tape and throw you off the set (if you are a minor celebrity), or accomodate you if you are important enough to drive ratings during sweeps month. Either way, problem solved.
The great Barbara tears tsunami seems to be pretty tough to resist. So as a public service I have developed a strategy to help deal with this issue. If you happen to be being interviewed by Barbara Walters, and she is asking her usual probing questions to the point where you feel yourself on the verge of tears, simply make one request of her: ask her to say "silly rabbit."
She will either stop tape and throw you off the set (if you are a minor celebrity), or accomodate you if you are important enough to drive ratings during sweeps month. Either way, problem solved.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Oops I Skipped Rehab Again
Man, that was just too good a title to pass up. Thanks, Brit, for making things easy.
According to a report on TMZ (thanks to Marie Grimaldi for passing it along), Britney Spears has checked herself in and out of rehab within 24 hours for the second time in a week. I hate to say it but has somebody explained what rehab is to her? Maybe they need to use smaller words. Or perhaps a picture, say, of a junkie going through cold turkey, or Keith Richards before and after. Wait, that last one may not be such a good idea.
You have to wonder if she thinks she's heading to a day spa or something. She goes there thinking she's going to get a facial and a massage, and instead has people asking her to talk about her feelings toward her mother and whether she's forgiven the people who wronged her (are you listening Justin?).
Poor Britney. She's yo-yoing in and out of rehab the way Anna Nicole used to yo-yo in and out of a size 5. And see what it's gotten her. Check yourself in and disappear for a few months. Let your hair grow back. Maybe read a book that doesn't have a picture of a bare-chested pirate on the cover. You've ceased to be fun and are now just sad. Come back when you can at least pretend to be an actual human being. It'll be best for us all.
According to a report on TMZ (thanks to Marie Grimaldi for passing it along), Britney Spears has checked herself in and out of rehab within 24 hours for the second time in a week. I hate to say it but has somebody explained what rehab is to her? Maybe they need to use smaller words. Or perhaps a picture, say, of a junkie going through cold turkey, or Keith Richards before and after. Wait, that last one may not be such a good idea.
You have to wonder if she thinks she's heading to a day spa or something. She goes there thinking she's going to get a facial and a massage, and instead has people asking her to talk about her feelings toward her mother and whether she's forgiven the people who wronged her (are you listening Justin?).
Poor Britney. She's yo-yoing in and out of rehab the way Anna Nicole used to yo-yo in and out of a size 5. And see what it's gotten her. Check yourself in and disappear for a few months. Let your hair grow back. Maybe read a book that doesn't have a picture of a bare-chested pirate on the cover. You've ceased to be fun and are now just sad. Come back when you can at least pretend to be an actual human being. It'll be best for us all.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
I Fought The Law...
This is a personal post. It's for the Mundelein cop who caught me going around an idiot who stayed behind the white line instead of pulling into the intersection like she should, but wasn't able to give me a ticket.
Dude, why the attitude? You lectured me like I was your 12 year old kid caught showing naked lady pictures to the other kids at recess. I remember a time when cops showed their superiority by putting on an air of condescending indifference, politely calling you "sir" while writing up enough tickets to make their quota. But not you. You had to cop an attitude (pun intended).
Remember guy, I was making illegal left hand turns while you were still pooping your pants, and I will probably be making them long after you've been kicked off the force for accepting a hummer from a nearsighted teenager in the back of your squad car. So just politely tell me what I did wrong and address me with the condescending air of indifference I've so richly earned.
And for anyone else reading this, no I didn't get the ticket. Apparently he was on his way to another call and couldn't take the time to write it out. So I got away with one, which is probably what set him off in the first place. Justice rules!
Finally, to the lady in the silver Toyota who was too fearful to pull out into the intersection so others could make the light: stay off the road between the hours of 6:00 AM and 2:00 PM. You are far too timid to be driving a motor vehicle out where real people are.
As for me, after this close call I promise to be more patient behind the wheel. Which means I will take more time to look around for cops before doing it again.
Dude, why the attitude? You lectured me like I was your 12 year old kid caught showing naked lady pictures to the other kids at recess. I remember a time when cops showed their superiority by putting on an air of condescending indifference, politely calling you "sir" while writing up enough tickets to make their quota. But not you. You had to cop an attitude (pun intended).
Remember guy, I was making illegal left hand turns while you were still pooping your pants, and I will probably be making them long after you've been kicked off the force for accepting a hummer from a nearsighted teenager in the back of your squad car. So just politely tell me what I did wrong and address me with the condescending air of indifference I've so richly earned.
And for anyone else reading this, no I didn't get the ticket. Apparently he was on his way to another call and couldn't take the time to write it out. So I got away with one, which is probably what set him off in the first place. Justice rules!
Finally, to the lady in the silver Toyota who was too fearful to pull out into the intersection so others could make the light: stay off the road between the hours of 6:00 AM and 2:00 PM. You are far too timid to be driving a motor vehicle out where real people are.
As for me, after this close call I promise to be more patient behind the wheel. Which means I will take more time to look around for cops before doing it again.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Britney Spears -- WTF?
Just when you think Britney Spears has done the stupidist thing any human being ever could (such as marrying a no-talent, bloodsucking hanger-on who calls himself K-Fed), she manages to prove you wrong.
The latest is a news report that she has shaved her head. As her generation is fond of saying, WTF? What could possibly possess her to do such a thing? Perhaps she's just trying to make sure the carpet matches the drapes. We've already seen that she's, um, a little light downstairs.
I have to admit that I was one of the many middle-age perv men who found her rather hot in her Catholic schoolgirl "Hit Me Baby One More Time" era. It was good to have a pre-teen daughter back then so I could watch that video without looking like a total sleaze. As long as I managed to avoid seeing any actual interviews with her and hearing what an idiot she is I could enjoy the videos in all their teasing glory.
After a couple of years I was able to spot that she was headed for balloon city. No one can dance that much and still be a bit of a chunkster without having the potential to go full-on fat chick. Good call Ken, although I have to admit it was primarily a result of carrying K-Fed's spawn. Still, it doesn't matter how you get them. Saddle bags are saddle bags.
But her face was still cute, and she was dropping the excess weight the way she dropped the cause of it. And just as quickly. But now the baldy sour. What's next -- ripping up a picture of the Pope on national TV?
Britney, I know you have problems, girl. You're unhappy, your life's a mess, you have no parental supervision whatsoever, and you think Paris Hilton is a worthwhile friend. Still, are you so in need of attention that you have to destroy the one thing that made you worthy of note -- your looks? Go back to showing your crotch. At least no one is totally shocked when that is shaved.
The latest is a news report that she has shaved her head. As her generation is fond of saying, WTF? What could possibly possess her to do such a thing? Perhaps she's just trying to make sure the carpet matches the drapes. We've already seen that she's, um, a little light downstairs.
I have to admit that I was one of the many middle-age perv men who found her rather hot in her Catholic schoolgirl "Hit Me Baby One More Time" era. It was good to have a pre-teen daughter back then so I could watch that video without looking like a total sleaze. As long as I managed to avoid seeing any actual interviews with her and hearing what an idiot she is I could enjoy the videos in all their teasing glory.
After a couple of years I was able to spot that she was headed for balloon city. No one can dance that much and still be a bit of a chunkster without having the potential to go full-on fat chick. Good call Ken, although I have to admit it was primarily a result of carrying K-Fed's spawn. Still, it doesn't matter how you get them. Saddle bags are saddle bags.
But her face was still cute, and she was dropping the excess weight the way she dropped the cause of it. And just as quickly. But now the baldy sour. What's next -- ripping up a picture of the Pope on national TV?
Britney, I know you have problems, girl. You're unhappy, your life's a mess, you have no parental supervision whatsoever, and you think Paris Hilton is a worthwhile friend. Still, are you so in need of attention that you have to destroy the one thing that made you worthy of note -- your looks? Go back to showing your crotch. At least no one is totally shocked when that is shaved.
Monday, February 12, 2007
Weekend box office news
Well apparently someone had all the short buses gassed up and running this weekend with nowhere in particular to go or else DirectTV lost its main satellite link. That's the only explanation I have for the Eddie Murphy movie Norbit coming in first at the box office this past weekend.
C'mon, people, what's it going to take to get you to quit going to see any piece of crap Eddie Murphy happens to be in. Would you have gone if it had starred Martin Lawrence? I don't think so, as Big Mama's House 2 will attest.
As long as people keep handing over their hard-earned dollars for sub-standard fare, Eddie will be content to crank them out. He can do better, and so can you! Stand up for your right to be entertained. Otherwise he will be like the Chicago Cubs, putting out garbage team after garbage team because their "fans" apparently can't tell the difference and keep filling up Wrigley Field regardless of the product on the field. (I still believe the Cubs could charge $8 a seat to watch them cut the grass when the team is out of town and only 6% of the people there would even realize there is never going to be a ballgame that day.)
C'mon, people, what's it going to take to get you to quit going to see any piece of crap Eddie Murphy happens to be in. Would you have gone if it had starred Martin Lawrence? I don't think so, as Big Mama's House 2 will attest.
As long as people keep handing over their hard-earned dollars for sub-standard fare, Eddie will be content to crank them out. He can do better, and so can you! Stand up for your right to be entertained. Otherwise he will be like the Chicago Cubs, putting out garbage team after garbage team because their "fans" apparently can't tell the difference and keep filling up Wrigley Field regardless of the product on the field. (I still believe the Cubs could charge $8 a seat to watch them cut the grass when the team is out of town and only 6% of the people there would even realize there is never going to be a ballgame that day.)
Solution for Iraq
Last week President Bush announced he was seeking an additional $25 billion for the war effort in Iraq. This is money he is seeking so we can continue what appears to be an effort to send troops over there for Iraqi militants to use as target practice for their crudely made roadside bombs.
Let's face it. $25 billion is a lot of money, even if you're Bill Gates. It seems like way too much to put in the kitty just to keep the status quo. As always, though, I have a better idea.
What if you took that money and just divided it up between all the Iraqi citizens? According to a population estimate by the CIA there are roughly 26.7 million men, women, and children in Iraq. Probably less now because of all the bombings, but close enough for this discussion. If you divvied up $25 billion between them, you could pay everyone $936.33, cash on the barrelhead. Or towelhead.
I would have to think in a country like Iraq at this point that $936 is a lot of money. You could probably put up an office building with that kind of money and still have enough left over to hire your 73 virgins as secretaries or administrative assistants or whatever. Although life in an office cubicle can suck at times, it's still got to be better than blowing yourself up in what passes for a shopping mall over there. Besides, if you plan it right you can have air conditioning in the office, which will relieve a lot of the day-to-day tension many Iraqi citizens no doubt feel because of the oppressive heat.
Seems to me that this would be a much better way of spending $25 billion in Iraq. The one challenge will be making sure that the money actually gets to the people, and not just into the government's coffers the way it does when the U.N. gets involved. Maybe you give everybody a Christmas Club account the way banks used to do here in the U.S. so they could sucker little kids into giving them their money without having to pay interest. (Individually those accounts weren't much. But if you got 1,000 kids to throw $50 apiece in, that's $50,000 in free money the bank could then invest into companies dumping dangerous products into third world markets at a high profit level. That's good business!) In any case, everyone would have to come in personally and sign for their money; maybe we could have Jane Fonda hand it out since she likes to get involved in stuff like this, and she's kind of a bitch so no one would mess with her.
Give it some thought, people. You know I'm right!
Let's face it. $25 billion is a lot of money, even if you're Bill Gates. It seems like way too much to put in the kitty just to keep the status quo. As always, though, I have a better idea.
What if you took that money and just divided it up between all the Iraqi citizens? According to a population estimate by the CIA there are roughly 26.7 million men, women, and children in Iraq. Probably less now because of all the bombings, but close enough for this discussion. If you divvied up $25 billion between them, you could pay everyone $936.33, cash on the barrelhead. Or towelhead.
I would have to think in a country like Iraq at this point that $936 is a lot of money. You could probably put up an office building with that kind of money and still have enough left over to hire your 73 virgins as secretaries or administrative assistants or whatever. Although life in an office cubicle can suck at times, it's still got to be better than blowing yourself up in what passes for a shopping mall over there. Besides, if you plan it right you can have air conditioning in the office, which will relieve a lot of the day-to-day tension many Iraqi citizens no doubt feel because of the oppressive heat.
Seems to me that this would be a much better way of spending $25 billion in Iraq. The one challenge will be making sure that the money actually gets to the people, and not just into the government's coffers the way it does when the U.N. gets involved. Maybe you give everybody a Christmas Club account the way banks used to do here in the U.S. so they could sucker little kids into giving them their money without having to pay interest. (Individually those accounts weren't much. But if you got 1,000 kids to throw $50 apiece in, that's $50,000 in free money the bank could then invest into companies dumping dangerous products into third world markets at a high profit level. That's good business!) In any case, everyone would have to come in personally and sign for their money; maybe we could have Jane Fonda hand it out since she likes to get involved in stuff like this, and she's kind of a bitch so no one would mess with her.
Give it some thought, people. You know I'm right!
Saturday, February 10, 2007
What the hell is wrong with Eddie Murphy?
I don't get it. Eddie Murphy is a very funny, incredibly talented comedian and actor. He's won a Golden Globe and will likely win an Oscar for his performance in DreamGirls.
So why in the world would he make a piece of crap movie like Norbit? More importantly, why he is continuing to insist playing multiple roles? It was amusing when he did it in Coming to America. It sort of worked when he did it in The Nutty Professor -- at least the part where he was Professor Klump and Buddy Love.
But now he's playing both the nerdy guy and the fat girl in Norbit, and it looks like going to see that movie will be like having someone perform oral surgery without an anasthetic for two hours. All you need is for the popcorn to be loaded with rat droppings and it's a perfect evening.
So what's the deal with Murphy playing fat people, too? Was he fat as a kid? He seems to think there's something hilarious about poking fun at the morbidly obese. It sucks being fat. Most fat people would rather not be fat, although it's tough to pass up the 10-pack at White Castle ol' white sign calling you. I'll bet a lot of Eddie's fans have asses the size of these characters, so he might want to think twice before he climbs in the fat suit one more time.
I wish Eddie would go back to the way he was when he did Beverly Hills Cop. Funny, with an attitude. Or else retire. That would be ok too. Dude, the multiple characters and fat suit thing is old. Move on, or move out!
So why in the world would he make a piece of crap movie like Norbit? More importantly, why he is continuing to insist playing multiple roles? It was amusing when he did it in Coming to America. It sort of worked when he did it in The Nutty Professor -- at least the part where he was Professor Klump and Buddy Love.
But now he's playing both the nerdy guy and the fat girl in Norbit, and it looks like going to see that movie will be like having someone perform oral surgery without an anasthetic for two hours. All you need is for the popcorn to be loaded with rat droppings and it's a perfect evening.
So what's the deal with Murphy playing fat people, too? Was he fat as a kid? He seems to think there's something hilarious about poking fun at the morbidly obese. It sucks being fat. Most fat people would rather not be fat, although it's tough to pass up the 10-pack at White Castle ol' white sign calling you. I'll bet a lot of Eddie's fans have asses the size of these characters, so he might want to think twice before he climbs in the fat suit one more time.
I wish Eddie would go back to the way he was when he did Beverly Hills Cop. Funny, with an attitude. Or else retire. That would be ok too. Dude, the multiple characters and fat suit thing is old. Move on, or move out!
Friday, February 09, 2007
Still smarting over the Bears
It's been almost a week since the highly touted Chicago Bears managed to stink up Miami worse than a raftload of Cuban refugees. And yet the pain still is there.
We'd gotten so used to the Bears winning despite the lack of any discernable pass rush, a quarterback who threw interceptions the way Shriners throw candy at a Fourth of July parade, and those ugly orange jerseys that we thought they'd pull it out just one more time.
Truthfully, the game was a microcosm of the entire season. Devin Hester runs back the opening kickoff to give them a lead. The defense gets an interception leading to a touchdown. The entire team collapses and gives the game away. The only thing missing was Muhsin Muhammed (I'm too lazy to look up how to spell his name, so accept this phonetic version) dropping an easy pass or two. By the third quarter I was hoping they'd put Kyle Orton in to try and save the game. Good thing the beef sandwiches were so good at the party I was attending.
Congrats to Lovie Smith, Ron Rivera, and Ron Turner for coming up with the most ineffective game plan in the history of the Super Bowl -- and then sticking with it at halftime. Their effort showed all the forethought of a GoDaddy commercial. Albert Einstein was no football coach, but he was right about one thing: insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Ah well, to take a page from their Chicago baseball breathern, wait until next year. Bastards!
We'd gotten so used to the Bears winning despite the lack of any discernable pass rush, a quarterback who threw interceptions the way Shriners throw candy at a Fourth of July parade, and those ugly orange jerseys that we thought they'd pull it out just one more time.
Truthfully, the game was a microcosm of the entire season. Devin Hester runs back the opening kickoff to give them a lead. The defense gets an interception leading to a touchdown. The entire team collapses and gives the game away. The only thing missing was Muhsin Muhammed (I'm too lazy to look up how to spell his name, so accept this phonetic version) dropping an easy pass or two. By the third quarter I was hoping they'd put Kyle Orton in to try and save the game. Good thing the beef sandwiches were so good at the party I was attending.
Congrats to Lovie Smith, Ron Rivera, and Ron Turner for coming up with the most ineffective game plan in the history of the Super Bowl -- and then sticking with it at halftime. Their effort showed all the forethought of a GoDaddy commercial. Albert Einstein was no football coach, but he was right about one thing: insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Ah well, to take a page from their Chicago baseball breathern, wait until next year. Bastards!
New purpose in life
Up until today, this blog was called Simple Solutions to Big Problems, wherein I would address a complex issue and come up with a simple solution for it. While I will still be doing that occasionally, I found overall that I couldn't come up with enough stuff that interested me to keep it going.
So I have a new purpose in life. I will now be spewing random thoughts on whatever happens to interest me. Likely a lot of it will be celebrity or media-driven because it's fun to make fun of the rich, famous, and stupid. But rest assured I have just as much contempt for the little guy, and will plan to skewer whoever or whatever I choose. It's my blog and I can do whatever I want on it.
So I have a new purpose in life. I will now be spewing random thoughts on whatever happens to interest me. Likely a lot of it will be celebrity or media-driven because it's fun to make fun of the rich, famous, and stupid. But rest assured I have just as much contempt for the little guy, and will plan to skewer whoever or whatever I choose. It's my blog and I can do whatever I want on it.
Anna Nicole Smith Starts New Weight Loss Program
After years of struggling with various weight issues, it appears celebrity bimbo Anna Nicole Smith has started on a new, sure-fire weight loss program. The program, called the Die-t, is designed to help her keep from shoving the mass quantities of food for which she has become famous into her mouth while relieving her of the burden of exercising daily. It is believed to be an accelerating program, which means weight loss will begin slowly and then increase steadily over the next few months.
"This program may seem extreme to those who are not rich and famous for getting naked and sleeping with shriveled, disgusting octogenarians while making low-grade, C-quality soft core porn," said her hanger-on consultant, "Dr." Fayed Apunta. "But those people just don't understand the pressures someone like Anna is under to maintain her celebrity or even function in a world without any discernable brain cells whatsoever. My hat is off to her for her dedication to her craft."
Ms. Smith could not be reached for comment.
"This program may seem extreme to those who are not rich and famous for getting naked and sleeping with shriveled, disgusting octogenarians while making low-grade, C-quality soft core porn," said her hanger-on consultant, "Dr." Fayed Apunta. "But those people just don't understand the pressures someone like Anna is under to maintain her celebrity or even function in a world without any discernable brain cells whatsoever. My hat is off to her for her dedication to her craft."
Ms. Smith could not be reached for comment.
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