A new (and better) way to run primaries

After watching what's been going on with the primaries for the next election, I think we have it all wrong. In both primaries and elections, it seems like people feel compelled to vote for the candidate they dislike the least rather than the one they like the most (because they don't like any of them).

Years ago the movie Brewster's Millions put out a theory that there should a slot added to the ballot for "None of the above." If that category won, you throw out all the candidates and start over.

While that's great in theory, it would be prohibitively expensive. And it could potentially keep a total disaster in office if neither party put up a viable candidate. So here's my thought.

In the primaries, after each candidate's name, run the name again with the word "not" before it, e.g. Not Hillary Clinton or Not Rudolph Giuliani. At least that way we could find out who are just not viable candidates at all and get them out of there. If the "Not" version wins in at least three primaries, that candidate is out, no matter what else happens.

The same principle could probably be applied to national elections. In this case, the "Not" option would be there so people could voice their strongest objections without having to take a chance on accidentally electing the Libertarian candidate. You wouldn't get to vote against both, but at least you could cast a vote against the candidate who just makes your stomach turn and your bowels inflame at the thought of them taking on the position of the most powerful person on earth (next to Oprah, of course).

If both of the major candidates have more nots than for votes, you'd take the one with the lowest differential. After all, we don't want the Libertarians, Greens, or American Nazi party suddenly getting in; we just allow them to run for show. Again, though, at least having the "not" option gives everyone a chance to kick the respective parties in the teeth and tell them to start finding more qualified candidates.

Go America!

A sure way to stop teenage smoking

This thought occurred to me over the weekend, as I was contemplating the issue of teen smoking. Despite all the legislation and health warnings, teen and young adult smoking continues to be an epidemic and a plague. So here's what we need to do.

We need to get a reputable research house to put out a report that tells boys that if they smoke their dicks will get smaller, and girls that their asses will get bigger. THAT ought to put an end to it once and for all.

New endorsement deal for Britney

Based on the latest news of Britney being hauled out of her house, strapped to a gurney, and put on a 72-hour "mental lockdown" (how do you lock down what isn't there?), I have a new endorsement idea for her.

I think she could be a very credible spokesperson for the General Mills corporation. Specifically, I think everyone would buy it when she says "I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs."

Just trying to help.